What Doreen thinks-Helix s02e12-The Ascendant

Just your friendly neighborhood dead CDC doctor, keeping an eye on what my friends are doing on one the most fucked island ever. Yeah, it’s crazier than Manhattan.

Peter’s got axe in a dark room. Oh look, Anne has one too. Time to get busy chopping up all those dead bodies and putting them in barrels. Because just burying them would be too sane, right? Afterwards, it’s time to take a shower to rinse off all the blood and then get really busy. Nothing like sexy times in a blood bath. Er… I mean shower. Seriously it’s all Walking Dead in here. I told you this place was crazier than New York City.

Anne and Peter relax after chopping up dead bodies. Ah romance.

Anne and Peter relax after chopping up dead bodies. Ah romance.

After that lovely scene, Anne helps Peter dress and fills his head with delusions of power, babbling on about how he is reborn and ascendant and woo hoo, now they can take back the Abbey! Take it back from who Anne, everyone else is pretty much dead? Peter doesn’t worry about such logical things, he’s more concerned with breaking the naval blockade that surrounds the island. To do that, they have steal the mycosis cure and kill the CDC doctors. You can’t be king of Killigan’s island if other smart people are running around free! Also, not sure how this will help with a naval blockade, but that’s Peter for you.

Meanwhile, Alan is busy injecting the antidote into a non-crazy Kyle. Which is damn nice of him, considering Kyle was trying to kill him a little while ago. Kyle, ungrateful bastard, still wants to take Alan in for killing Immortals back in Paris. But Alan wants a favor first, Kyle’s gun. Because yes, let’s give the guy who admits to blowing up buildings a gun, just so he’ll turn himself in later. What the hell Kyle?

Sure Kyle, let Alan borrow your gun, that'll work out well!

Sure Kyle, let Alan borrow your gun, that’ll work out well!

Julia and Sarah are busy doing SCIENCE! Julia’s busy running tests on the Mother Tree root, while Sarah keeps injecting a solution into the jar of immortal baby, to keep it alive. Wait, I though it was immortal? Does anything make any goddamn sense on this island? Alan enters and gets slightly misty eyed about his son in a jar! Jules splits, ’cause this is all sorts of awkward. Hmm, I think I listened to a band called Son In a Jar in my misspent youth.

Yes Alan, that's your son in in the jar on the counter. That sane part is that he's immortal.

Yes Alan, that’s your son in in the jar on the counter. That sane part is that he’s immortal.

Jules finds Anne and they decide to look at some art, namely a painting of the Mother Tree. Anne says the actual tree is long gone, but Julia thinks it might be still around. But in the meant time, she asks about looking at Michael’s records. Anne says Eli has to give permission. Who the hell is Eli?

Peter is dead! Long live Eli! Julia cracks up about Peter’s new name, which makes me like her again. Julia wants access to Michael’s records, but Eli wants immunity from Ilaria i.e. no one comes on the island. Plus 10% of the profits from selling the narvik cure. Julia laughs, so the price goes to 20%. Peter may be crazy, but he’s not cheap! Anyway, Julia agrees and then leaves as Olivia comes in with the stolen baby Peter/Eli has adopted. Then Peter tells Anne to round up the followers so they can “take care” of the CDC problem. Olivia looks uncomfortable at that, but believe girl, it’s probably one of their saner moments. Also, avoid the shower room for a while.


Behold our cult’s new leader, the ascendant one, Eli!


Julia has the perfect reaction


Kyle and Soren are talking when they run into Olivia. She warns Kyle that he needs to get off the island. ‘Cause Eli might want to thin the herd again, starting with the CDC doctors. She hands him a bag of Coast Guard gear, which has a radio and then scurry’s off. Why is the “bitch” who stabbed Sarah now being so helpful? ‘Cause the CDC saved Soren, her son, so she wants to return the debt. Oh, I was hoping she’s realized how damn crazy her little cult is, but guess not.

Sarah makes plans to get off the island with the immortal baby in the jar. She invites Alan along with her, ’cause hey, he’s the daddy, why not? They could work together to find a way to help immortal baby grow and have a normal life, think of the fun! But Alan’s got a gun and plans, see? He wants to finish what he started, which was killing immortals. Sarah isn’t happy about that and dares him to kill her. Being saner than Peter, which ok, yeah, is a pretty low bar, he declines.

Julia discovers her inner thief and cuts out the painting of the Mother Tree. Time for research to see if they can pinpoint its location from a painting!

Dr. Julia, now an art thief!

Dr. Julia, now an art thief!

Soren apologizes for talking to Dr. Kyle, but Olivia doesn’t care. She just wants to make things right. But that means Soren has to go to his ‘hide and seek’ spot and, um, hide.

Alan creepily watches over Julia looking over clues to the Mother Tree. He’s here to apologize too. And help find the Tree. It seems the painting might be useful to find its location and wouldn’t that be great? Julia thinks so, but Alan doesn’t seem too keen about the idea. He still has Kyle’s gun and a crazy look in his eyes.

Kyle discovers Sarah was pregnant and that the fetus in the jar on the counter is her son. And just doesn’t care. He’s seen and done so much weird shit on the island, that this, just doesn’t register. He just wants off the island and wants Sarah to come along. Sure, now put the baby in the jar, in a bag and just go! Because Anne has a posse with sharp objects and they’re coming for you! So Sarah and Kyle head to the tower. Because hiding somewhere with no exit is the perfect choice to stay alive. That Kyle, he always makes the best decisions.

Why is there an immortal baby in a jar on the counter?

Why is there an immortal baby in a jar on the counter?

But oh noes, the baby jar is leaking! They must find a new jar! Kyle does a temporary fix with ABC gum. He’s sooo scientific. So they split up, with Sarah off to find Anne, who knows where more of these special jars are. Because she’s tidy like that.

Alan and Jules have a chat about life, Ilaria and survival. Alan says he killed all those immortals for Julia and would have killed 10,000 more. Maybe just get her some flowers and 20 minutes of oral, next time? Julia doesn’t care, says she couldn’t have been with him anyway, since she didn’t know how messed up her family history was, what with Hatake being being her father, who worked for Ilaria to develop the narvik virus. Ok, fair enough.

Eli is cradling that baby again, the one he took from the pregnant woman that he killed. He keeps a crib in his office though, so..no, he’s still pretty messed up. Anne informs him that the CDC doctors have escaped. They quickly figure that Oliva warned them, so guess who’s next on the chopping block?! They lovingly whisper “Show no mercy” to each other and then kiss. Sure, lots of people may be dead, but romance ain’t!

Alan and Jules discover that the tree is at the Abbey. Oh good, no long walks in the woods.

Kyle prowls around, avoiding cultists. Soren pulls him into a closet. One which Eli confronts Olivia in front of. Yeah, you know how this is going to go, Eli grabs her and snaps her neck, as Kyle covers Soren’s mouth. Because actually stepping out and preventing the murder would..what? That would cause too much trouble there, Kyle?

At least he tells Soren “sorry” and tries to comfort him. Instead of maybe trying to do something to prevent it. Soren’s upset about not doing anything to save his mom, but Kyle says it’s not his fault. We know Kyle, we know. Then as Soren cries about losing his family, Kyle offers to be his family now. Jesus christ, I can’t even…

Shh Soren, just hide in the closet like Kyle says and don't do anything that might help your mom!

Shh Soren, just hide in the closet like Kyle says and don’t do anything that might help your mom!

Anne keeps up the hunt for the doctors, but Sarah manages to get the drop on her. Sarah’s still worried about that leaking jar and needs to find a new one. She’s convinced that the knife in her hand will make Anne help her. HA! Anne’s all whatever, you’re not a real parent and she taunts Sarah about not even having the guts to really use that machete. ‘Cause Anne’s been busy chopping up dead bodies and then relaxing by boinking Peter in the shower, so she isn’t scared of nothing.

Turns out that’s the wrong path to take with a woman who was drugged, then had her baby taken out of her womb and placed in a leaky jar. ‘Cause Sarah finally Doreens up and buries the machete in Anne’s foot!

Do NOT push Sarah!

Do NOT push Sarah!

Cut to Anne limping as she takes Sarah down into the basement, i.e. the pregnancy farm. This is a revolting scene, but Sarah’s got things to do, ie. find the life support unit. She does and hurries back to the tower. So she leaves Anne alone? Yeah, but not before telling her to free all the tied up women. Uh huh, right, Anne is totally going to do that.

Peter’s baby cradling again, getting whiny about his childhood with Alan and their alcoholic father. He’s bonding and talking to himself about what it means to be father. Yes, someone else has daddy issues.

Alan and Jules find the root system, hurray! But something or someone is already down there! Just make a note of that, ’cause nothing bad happens, but this might be important later. Who can tell with this island?

All up in your root system, Mother!

All up in your root system, Mother!

Ah, Kyle is in the tower to call for radio help. Ok that makes sense. But won’t a radio transmission just make them bomb again? Don’t call people that have a habit of bombing you with a deadly gas! This is worse than a drunk dialing your ex at 2am!

The military answers and tells him to get off their secure line. Kyle says he has a cure for the disease that’s on their ship! Please hold for Captain so and so!

Anne limps up to Eli’s office. He tries to help her, but Anne tells him to find Sarah the ToeKiller and Kyle the murder-watcher. But the sound of a helicopter means they might be too late.

The helicopter arrives and Kyle tries to put Soren in the rescue stretcher first. But Peter has a machine gun and fires on the ‘copter. So much for that rescue! Peter is a dick. Which is redundant. Since both words are slang for asshole.

Peter tells the helicopter to go away.

Peter tells the helicopter to go away.

Julia is happy about the Mother tree spilling enzymes or something into the ground. This means “Mother is everywhere” which doesn’t make a lot of sense, but hey Dr. Jules is happy, so I guess this is good thing. But Alan isn’t quite so thrilled. He pulls out the gun, saying Julia is as bad as Ilaria. Which doesn’t make a lick of sense, ’cause she wants to turn humanity infertle to maybe prevent Ilaria from killing off most of humanity. Yes, Alan, that’s exactly the same, you twit.

Anyway, Jules still has Sergio’s gun and pulls it out. A shot is fired in the dark and that’s it. Next week we find out how much crazier things can get in the season finale.

Hey Alan? Julia has a gun too!

Hey Alan? Julia has a gun too!

Lab notes:

Get some therapy if you have daddy issues. Hell, get therapy if you spend time in creepy basements.

Don’t let people borrow your gun.

Contrary to what Peter says, blood does matter, especially if you’re spilling a lot of it.

A shower can be very relaxing AND invigorating.

If your boss is being king of the Dumb Asses, it’s ok to beat the crap out of him. I mean you should at least try! Seriously, Doreen up!