What Doreen thinks-Helix episode: “Plan B”

Doreen happy mugshotDoreen here again, telling you what’s what with the crazy a-holes I used to work with. I’m dead now, killed off in season one by Sergio for no good reason, other than being smart and having a personality. Screw you Serg.
I’m gonna skip over the testing of the poisonous gas on a monkey, ’cause really who needs to relive that? All we need to know is that there’s gas, it kills everything it touches and military is getting lots of it. But what the fuck does this show have against monkeys? Also don’t give the military all the barrels! Seriously it’s in a liquid that turns into a gas so it’s like 10 times as much as we see! It belongs in an Indiana Jones warehouse!

Look at all these neat containers!

Look at all these neat containers!

Crazy pants Peter cradles the baby he stole( Borrowed? Kept?) from the tied up pregnant woman in the basement. Whom he then murdered, to gain custody rights. What the shit Peter?! You’re so busy with your head up Anne’s ass you can’t think. So more murder, because that’s how things get done on this island. Which, what the hell, has no noticed they’re prancing around doing crazy, stupid shit?

Look, just get the kid a therapist, right now.

Look, just get the kid a therapist, right now.

Good idea, Julia, feeding medical bs (heh) to power mad Amy, who gobbles it up like newly stolen new born baby. Supposedly Julia going to implant an immortal baby in Amy, which will then make her immortal. Yeah, that sounds like syfy. As Amy ponders all this and her coming glory, Alan and the Strikeforce Gang are back from their tour of the woods, with a deranged Kyle and one-eyed Soren, who isn’t suffering from the disease that has infected everyone else. They also have the red sap that Alan hopes to turn into a vaccine against the mycosis that’s infecting people on the island. Winger’s all thumbs up about this, as long as it occurs off the island, cause they are leaving, stat. Which makes Winger sound reasonable, so of course she’s going to die. Nobody leaves the island!

Alan and Julia locks eyes on Killigan's Island

Alan and Julia locks eyes on Killigan’s Island

This is the first time Julia and Alan have met since the crazy shit that happened in the Arctic. A reunion of sorts, but the timing is awful. Julia explains her insane plan to use Michael’s infertility drugs to sterilize humanity, so then there’s no reason for Ilaria to kill off humanity, right? Alan rightly calls this crazy. But Julia don’t care, she’s all immortal now and is determined to do something, no matter how little sense it makes. God bless her for wanting to save people, but maybe think this through, eh Jules?

Time to cleaup up the bodies of Landry and Sergio! Amy’s goons arrive to dispose of the bodies. But disfigured Landry ain’t dead! And he’s got a shovel, wields it like an axe and suddenly there’s a whole lot more cleaning up to do. Doubtful that’ll be done by Landry though!

Nobody puts Landry in a corner! Or grave!

Nobody puts Landry in a corner! Or grave!

Meanwhile Sarah is moping around in her room, because Julia plans to implant Sarah’s immortal fetus in Amy. Which is pretty great reason for moping actually. In walks Olivia, the chick who stabbed Sarah a while ago, but neither of them mention that, so I guess they’re all good on that front? Then Julia walks in to say she’s sorry for sacrificing Sarah’s baby. Sarah, obviously doesn’t give a damn. Bring a card and flowers next time Jules! Or maybe explain that you have a plan?

Commander Winger is trying to contact her offshore team, but no one is returning her calls, it’s all static. When she goes for a visual look at the off shore ships, turns out the rescue party is gone and the ‘bomb everything on the island’ party is there and they’re getting ready to crank up the volume. Which sucks for my dumb ass co-workers, but actually makes a bit of sense. Everything on the island is messed up and infected, just raze the place and build a mall or something. I hope they include a Dairy Queen. Dammit. I miss ice cream.

Shit, we're all going to die!

Shit, we’re all going to die!

Turns out there’s a plan that will kill everything on the island. No communication, nothing. Things begin at sunset, which mean six hours. Why the military isn’t starting now and instead have a plan that must adhere to some weird timetable is odd. But he, it’s syfy!

Ah Peter! Look who wants to talk to poor deranged Kyle. Look at the dumb ass soldier who let him. Why is he taking orders from Peter? Because otherwise Peter woudln’t have the chance to convince Kyle, who’s currently a bit off rocker, that everything bad on the island is Alan’s fault and gosh, shouldn’t Kyle do something that? Ah, so Peter took a crazy pill in the basement. And now is hiring more crazy. Jesus, I’m beginning to miss Sergio.

Peter counsels a confused Kyle on how to kill Alan. So much for brotherly love!

Peter counsels a confused Kyle on how to kill Alan. So much for brotherly love!

Anne talks to Amy in the Abbey hospital. Amy’s all “Look, you’re going to be a grandmother!” They talk some more, Amy laughs. Because she’s nuts. Well, they’re both nuts, but Amy is nuts in an immature way, while Anne has the benefit of being older and wiser, so the insanity is more cunning. She offers Amy the chance to apologize for ruining so many lives, but Amy’s stil laughing away, so Anne leaves, saying “Remember, I gave you a chance.” Now I’m laughing!

Amy and Anne talk crazy talk!

Amy and Anne talk crazy talk!

Julia and Sarah discover dead Sergio, while I do a another little dance to celebrate his death. Julia grabs his gun as Sarah agrees to allow Julia impregnate Amy, in the hopes of at least being useful for the baby. Beats moping around in a room where the only person who talks to you is the person who stabbed you. I guess?!

Alan gets smart (oh yeah, he’s a doctor) and runs blood tests on Soren, since he didn’t get sick, so he must have some special bood, right? Right! There may be a cure! And soon, no need to test it or anything!

Olivia, Soren’s mom, walks in the lab and they meet and greet, with Soren getting all exicted about helping Alan make a cure. She says she owes Alan. Maybe just stick to not stabbing any more doctors, mmm’kay?

Surprising no one, Kyle escapes from being tied to hospital bed and runs. As his guard, Lt. Humphries, lies on floor, Peter walks in repeatedly stabs him. And when I say repeatdly, I do mean a gajillion times. ‘Cause…I dunno, having killed a woman who’s just given birth and stealing her baby, murdering a sodlier so you can hopefully pin it on one of the doctors who was trying to help people isn’t that big of a step. Way to lead, Peter!

Run Kyle, be free...

Run Kyle, be free…

...Peter will clean up here!

…Peter will clean up here!

Anne meets a bloodied and disturbed looking Peter in the church. He says he’s good, really good, no worries! Especially when the stolen baby smiles. Oooo, aren’t children adorable! Then he tells Julia it’s her turn, asks her if she’s ready and he kisses her on the forehead. It’s good to have these tender moments when you’re plotting murder. Meanwhile, Landry lurks in the balcony and looks on.

An unclean Peter revels in fatherhood...

An unclean Peter revels in fatherhood…

...and his new, crazy ass family

…and his new, crazy ass family

 

Back in the room where Kyle was tied up, there’s the body of Lt. H, hanging upside down, all gruesome like. Winger thinks Kyle did it. Alan, not being a total fool, thinks Peter did it. Winger don’t care, she wants off the island, After they’ve left, Anne walks and thanks Lt. H’s body for his sacrfice. Well, I’m sure he appreciates that bit of kindness.

Anne thanks the dead soldier for his "sacrifice".

Anne thanks the dead soldier for his “sacrifice”.

He does not say "Your welcome"

He does not say “Your welcome”

 

Sarah preps Amy for implantation surgery. Crazy Amy tenderly reaches out to the woman who’s baby she’s stealing (what is it with this island) and says “It’s ok, I’ll be a good mother”. The girl really knows how to ruin a moment, especially when she’s ahead. Then before passing out, Amy reminds them that if something goes wrong, they’ll never find the Mother Tree, which Julia wants for Michael’s infertility cure. Then out she goes. Sarah decides to Doreen up  for a moment and tries to stab the sleeping Amy. Julia stops her and asks Sarah to trust her. Maybe she would if you’d tell her that you have a plan? Communication is the key to any relationship!

An immortal fetus, Sarah, Amy and Julia, just chatting.

An immortal fetus, Sarah, Amy and Julia, just chatting.

 

Anne goes looking for Landry (who’s her sweet boy) and finds him lurking in Michael’s botany lab. She ask him if he’s ok and he simply slurs “Amy”. One lane road, the male mind. Anne tries to be a good mother and tell him to break free of her hold. Being a good, but horny, son, he grabs her neck and begins choaking her, before deciding to let Anne go. I know who’s not winning mother of the year award!

Amy wakes up, with the operation supposedly a success. She has silver eyes, just like she thinks she was always meant to. Mmm, I’m thinking someone got her eyes dyed. There’s not much in the way of abdominal scars or pain. Plus she does’t even ask about the baby, that’s how self absorbed she is. Sarah stomps out.

Look who thinks they're immortal!

Look who thinks they’re immortal!

 

Alan runs across Peter in the hallway. They argue, Peter tells Alan Julia wants to see him in Michael’s lab. Uh oh, this doesn’t sound good. Especially when Peter walks away happily whistling. But luckily Soren saw the whole thing and follows Alan. This kid is like a reincarnated Lassie, always there to save the day!

A whistling Peter is not a good thing!

A whistling Peter is not a good thing!

Once Alan is in the lab, repeatedly calling out Julia’s name to an obviously empty lab (where’s the smarts now doc), Kyle manages to get a noose around his neck, yelling “Ooo, I got me a big one!” Christ, it’s fishing time in the lab and as much a I like Alan, things are lonely here in the afterlife, so maybe a bit of company would be good.

Now that Alan’s hanging by a thread (hee hee), Kyle decides to have a chat with him. He accuses Alan of working with Michael to develop the virus. Then he considers eating his eyes. But luckily Soren is here now, again watching from the shadows. He scampers off. Are you going to get help Soren? No, he’s going to get a syringe and fill it with the red sap that keeps the mycotics sane.

Crazy Kyle is crazy!

Crazy Kyle is crazy!

Kyle and Alan hang out

Kyle and Alan hang out

 

Amy gazes upon a mirror, remarking how she’ll never hide her silver eyes. Yeah, yeah whatever, Julia wants the Mother Tree. Amy doesn’t care, but a knife to the throat convices her to give Julia the location. Being immortal doesn’t mean you can’t die.

Winger’s troops are busy trying to seal all the air intakes to the Abbey to protect against the comming gas attack from the military. Because of course there’s giant sheets of plastic and glass just lying around on this island.

While Kyle continues ranting, Soren stabs Kyle with the red sap syrringe. Man, that’s something Lassie could never. Hurray for opposable thumbs! Then the military planes arrive and release the gas over the island, to the sound of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Oh look, the poisonous gas is here!

Oh look, the poisonous gas is here!

As the gas cloaks the island and the abbey, Peter watches from a door window as Winger and her troops die trying to get back inside. Jesus, what a freakshow he’s turned into.

Amy walks outside, into all the deadly gas, thinking she’s immortal and gloats about how she’s so much smarter than Michael. Oh my sweet summer child. If only you had managed to meet a young man named Joffrey, from long ago. Though I don’t see how that ends well!

Amy dances in the deadly gas

Amy dances in the deadly gas

Amy stops dancing

Amy stops dancing

 

Back in the botany lab, Soren cuts Alan down. ‘Cause he’s that kind of spunky lad.
Amy starts coughing outside. Yep, they just colored her eyes. Now look who’s face is melting! Is that Sarah watching from a window? I can’t tell if that’s a happy face, but I’m betting it is.

After the gas has cleared, Peter and Anne take a stroll outside the abbey. But with an axe. The body of soldiers litter the ground. There’s a job that needs finishing, or at least that’s what Anne is softly cooing, so he starts dragging bodies inside. Including Amy’s who’s too immature to die, but her face is horribly disfigured now. Her and Landry will make the cutest couple at the monster ball!

Oh look, people Peter and Anne didn't directly kill!

Oh look, people Peter and Anne didn’t directly kill!

Julia stumbles into the Abbey, greeted by Sarah. She found the Mother Tree, but it’s too late, the gas killed it. It seems the world is doomed. I should dust off the guest room, I’m going to have a lot of company!

Shit, everyone is going to die.

Shit, everyone is going to die.

Lab notes:

If you’re going to lead a crazy cult, then go all in.

After an operation to grant you immortality, check for scars, to verify the operation was done.

Do NOT test your new found immortality in a gas attack.

Always have a Lassie.