What Doreen Thinks about Episode Nine of Helix-Ectogenesis

Doreen happy mugshotDoreen the kickass, but dead, scientist here again! I’m still keeping an eye on my ridiculous co-workers after being killed off in season one. What’re you going to do, the afterlife isn’t that interesting and you can’t be completely fulfilled by looking at people in showers 24/7. Plus I really want to know what the hell this Narvik virus is and find out if the crazy, but secret, immortals of the the Ilaria Corporation will mange to kill off most of humanity and rule the leftovers in some weird ass paradise. Plus immortals are super hot. But assholes!

Happy times in the forests of Killigan's Island!

Happy times in the forests of Killigan’s Island!

Somewhere on the island a scene of domestic hell is being carried out. A somewhat deformed mycotic man acts like an ass while whining about having to wait for his supper. Which is bs, stuff like this is why I got divorced! When it’s finally placed before him, he does not compliment the equally deformed mycopic female cook who made it. She doesn’t take that well, surprise surprise! So they get into a fight, knocking over the not so delicious looking soup, which had an eyeball in it. Clearly a one star restaurant!

Don't look at me, I didn't spill your soup!

Don’t look at me, I didn’t spill your soup!


Now, for a surprise…


Oh, did I forget to mention I’d be back?! You should have seen it coming, what with the epic levels of stupidity on display at times on the island. Somebody needed to drop some goddamn smarts on Alan’s scruffy ass and I’m just the ghost to do it! Seriously, this isn’t a camping trip, you’e running around on a remote island with a crazy cult, looking for…what? Whatcha doin’ here? It’s bad enough I have to leave this comfy ass afterlife to try and talk some sense into you, now you won’t listen? Yeah, yeah I should just flat out give you the answer, ’cause time’s a wasting, but goddamnit you used to pull that “I’m trying to get you to find the answer” crap back when we were in the field, so turn about is only fair. That and you never got around to killing the guy who bumped me off, despite taking up the new found hobby of blowing up buildings that belong to the Ilaria corporation. Throw me a bone, dicknuts!

Anyway, go ahead and let Kyle wake you up from this dream. You’re only hurting yourself! Unlike the mycotics you and Winger’s strike force are hunting outside the Abbey. What’s that, one of the Winger’s soldiers is now missing? Not surprising. These aren’t the kind and cuddly infected like zombie creatures that have appeared like no where, ever! Stay on your toes!

Anne attempts to lead...

Anne attempts to lead…

Which is a lesson that Anne could stand to learn too. Back in the Abbey, she’s trying to lead some rag team team of survivors from Michael’s little purge of his followers. Talk about a dick boss! But she isn’t doing a good job, especially since Amy is throwing her weight around.

Amy and her backup thug/singer, Landry!

Amy and her backup thug/singer, Landry!


Anne’s still operating in her old mode, like nothing much as changed. Plus Anne is pretty weak-willed and lame, at least at this point, And with Landry backing Amy, no one can prevent her from taking over. You can’t easily stop that sort of puppy dog thuggery! I kinda want Amy to die, but not if she gets stuck here with me!

Peter cares a lot about Anne. A LOT, wink wink, nudge nudge!

Peter cares a lot about Anne. A LOT, wink wink, nudge nudge!

Thus Anne’s whole standing on the ledge of the multi-story abbey. Luckily Peter is really, really dazed and simple, so he follows her outside and they talk. Anne at least realizes she’s been a pawn and is starting to come to terms with that. Plus, she’s putting thoughts in Peter’s tiny, tiny brain about being a leader. Hmmm, sounds like someone has 12% of a half decent plan! Too bad Peter’s been so distracted that he hasn’t been checking the messages on his secret Ilaria phone! Otherwise he’d know that the jackass patrol has arrived!

Jackass patrol on, uh, patrol!

Jackass patrol on, uh, patrol!

Yep, Julia and Sergio are on the island. The latter is the asshole who killed me off and the former is Alan’s ex-wife who became immortal and doesn’t seem too concerned about working with the guy who bumped me off for no good reason. Must be nice, that whole living forever thing. Alan, I’m going to haunt the crap outta you! Anyway, they’re here to retrieve Michael and his super secret formula for making mortal men sterile with no side effects. Oh look, Sergio has a gun, in case they need to use force!

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Sarah searches the cupboard for a baby…

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…but Amy and Landry say “Not before immortality!”


Awww, Sarah go ahead and try to get your ectogenesis baby outta cupboard! Jesus, why do I have to write sentences like that? Anyway, in case you’re too lazy to click on that link, ectogenesis is “the growth of an organism in an artificial environment” i.e. the baby in the cupboard. Or pretty much any of these a-holes on Killigan’s Island. Especially Amy and Landry, who just happen to enter the room while Sarah tries to fiddle with the locks or something. Don’t forget Sarah, Amy wants to be immortal and since you’re a doctor who was turned into an immortal…Ok Amy isn’t the brightest former cult member, but she clearly has 10% of a plan! Which is more than Sarah has, moping around Killigan’s Island, trying to forget Alan and not doing a good job of it. Girl needs to Doreen up and handle Amy! Because Amy would have no problem handling her or anyone else who gets in the way of her dream of living forever.

Always good to discuss things in front of ornate windows!

Always good to discuss things in front of ornate windows!

But at least they’re talking now, right? Shame that Amy is her father’s child though, batshit insane and uncaring of who she crushes to reach her goal. So dumbass Sarah tells her how she became immortal, i.e. via an infusion of spinal fluid from an immortal. Good lord, children these days, giving away all their secrets at the drop of a hat! Because of course, now Amy wants Sarah’s spinal fluid and I do mean now. Like today. Like I said, the girl is on a mission!

With that agreement made, Sarah heads to  Michael’s greenhouse/lab of fun. Then she makes something that looks very dangerous, what with having to wear a gas mask and all. Whatever it is, she manages to turn into a liquid, which then gets put into a syringe. Finally, she’s getting some smarts, developing a plan!

Sergio and Julia reach the gate of the Abbey and knock. ‘Cause hey, somebody’s gotta be home, right? Peter answers the door, along with a demur Anne. She does a creepy cult welcome and everyone goes inside.

Meanwhile, the CDC team, Alan and Kyle are still wandering around outside the Abbey, looking for the mycoctics, which may hold a cure. Instead they find a dead rabbit hanging from a tree, with its eyes cut out. Yet another in a long line of clues to get off the island! But nope, that would make too much sense. ‘Cause getting one of the members  of the strike force killed off wasn’t enough. No, there has to be screams in the scary woods outside the crazy Abbey, which everyone immediately runs towards.

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Hi Soren, how you been buddy? Seen anything out here in the woods?

Except Kyle, ’cause he’s the smart one who suspects it’s a trap. So while everyone else is running off, he stays and hangs out with the dead, eyeless rabbit. At least it isn’t screaming! Then he spots Soren, the missing child from however long ago. He’s got a dirty rag around one eye, which Kyle asks him about. When Soren simply apologizes, Mr. “I’m the Smart One”, fails to notice the guy behind him who grabs him, knocks him out and drags him through the woods. *Sigh*. Intelligence is such a fragile thing!

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Just a friendly stroll through the Apple orchard!

While walking through the Apple orchard, Julia tries to explain to Anne that Narvik C, which can kill of humans quickly, is ready to be released. The Immortals who run Ilaria are totally willing to kill off most of humanity, so don’t push them! Julia would prefer to take Michael’s infertility treatments instead, to save lives. After all, why kill off humanity, when you can just sterilize them? Um, ’cause it’s easer to control a few thousand people instead of several billion? Think this stuff through Julia!

However, Anne is in no rush to hand out Michael’s secret. But Peter is! For a price and promise that Ilaria won’t come after him. Hey, if the world’s going to end, you might as try and stack the cards in your favor. But Peter? If Ilaria takes over, there’s little reason for them to keep their word, right? Why does no one think their evil plans through?!

Amy and Sarah play doctor and not in the good way!

Amy and Sarah play doctor and not in the good way!

Sarah is talking Amy through giving her a spinal tap. You heard that right, the pouting, power mad girl-queen is performing an operation, that if it goes wrong, could leave Sarah paralyzed or or worse. Good decision skills there Sarah. You know, you didn’t have to tell the obviously crazed cultist that you’re the only nearby source of material to achieve immortality. Make a note of that for the future! And why are you alone with these people, you have a whole team of trained scientists and doctors who could give a gal with a stolen baby a hand!

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A brief dinner chat among captive and captor! 

Kyle wakes up in the home of domestic mycotic bliss from earlier. The Mrs. wants to feed him some of that not so delicious soup, but he’d rather not. No one ever gets that hungry! This offends the sensitive cook, who now wants to gouge out his eyes. Luckily, her lovely husband in cannibalism returns and prevents her. He thinks Kyle is till too stringy to eat, needs to be fatten up. Kyle looks up at the ceiling, no doubt in despair. Dude, never look up in a cannibal household! There are body parts up there! One is a torso with missing eyes. Remember how Soren seemed to have a missing eye? And the eyeball soup? Yeah, this island has the worst restaurant menu ever.

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Alan’s knocked out for doing something stupid…

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time for another one of my patented truth bombs!

Alan does something stupid something again, gets knocked out by a wooden log trap. See, this is what I’m talking about, he’s highly educated guy, lots of experience, yet very dim cannibals managed to set up a trap to knock him out. Time for me to step in and try to get his head screwed on right. Why are you still on this island? Why are you so pissy about Kyle? Is there some, oh I don’t know, BOND there that’s bothering you? Think it through man! Then get off the damn island!

Back in Abbey’s  hospital, Amy finally succeeds in getting the spinal fluid. Hurray for home schooling. And paranoia. ‘Cause Amy is wary of that Sarah is going to pull some trick. Which is totally reasonable, but you pulled the fluid out yourself, what do you think it’s going to do? Boo for home schooling! Anyway, Amy demands a test first, maybe a rat or some other animal? So Landry volunteers, hoping become immortal and be with Amy forever. Ha, she’s not so keen on that. But what’s a wannabe queen to do when there’s such a willing subject?

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Brother, can you spare a bit of help?


At the cannibal household, Kyle tries to break out his restraints, but no luck. Cannibals tie great knots! Anyway Soren walks in. Turns out that he collects the sap from the “Bleeding Tree” which keeps mycotics from getting sicker. Hello, there’s really is a cure! Nice try there Kyle, trying to turn Soren and get him to help you. But they’ve already eaten one of his eyes and put it in soup. What would they do with the other one, make a small pie out of it? It doens’t make any sense for him to help Kyle. But he does, ’cause…plot?

A happy Landry is still creepy.

A happy Landry is still creepy.

Landry is all full of grins, lying on a bed in a hospital gown, while waiting for Sarah to inject him with spinal fluid and make him immortal. It doesn’t go well, he goes into convulsions and Sarah just stands there as Amy thinks he’s been poisoned and leaves, locking the door behind her. Nice reflexes there Sarah! This is exactly why I don’t appear in your dreams, ’cause I need brain material to work my magic!

Anne tells how Michael discovered the sterility apples. Huh, so Michael didn’t make the treatment, it was something he accidentally discovered. Damn it, I half respected him for being a brilliant, but evil scientist. But he was just a poseur! Anyway, Julia asks to see this special tree, named “Mother”, and Anne agrees to take her there. ‘Cause, hey, why not have strangers check out the center of your cult’s power? It’s only a remote tree, which makes very special apples for people to eat. Remember Adam and Eve? Eating from that particular tree didn’t go so well either!

Dude, who stole your plant?

Dude, who stole your plant?

What’s that Anne, “Mother” is gone? The mysterious tree that gives the magic fruit is missing? With Amy taking over, who would have imagined something would get lost in the transition? Yeah, sounds like you need Peter or someone else to be in charge!

Kyle tells Mr. Cannibal that Mrs. Cannibal tried to take his eyes. Yes, plant seeds of revolt! Thus begins the eyeball wars of 2015. Luckily it gives Kyle time to break free, while those two argue over who will get to eat him. See meat run! See the meat trip. See meat drink the honey from the ‘bleeding’ tree, aka “Mother”. Cannibals do not like honey glazed meat. Or at least the special honey makes meat less tasty. If you’re gonna be a cannibal, you gotta have standards!

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First we run…

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…then we stop and drink infected honey!

The cannibals finally catch up with Kyle and aren’t happy about losing out on a meal. Luckily Seal Team CDC catches up with them and shoots the happy couple. So Kyle won’t be killed. But he’s only 48 hours to live before he becomes a mycotic. Win some, lose some!

Lab Report:

Be careful about making deals. Sarah, Peter, this means you!

Pretty much everyone on the island is a jerk, hence my return! Not sure it’s going to help though!

Don’t wander around outside the Abbey! And watch your damn step. And your head.

When a tree gives you magic fruit, double check for Bible references!

Spinal taps are totally easy to guide to newbie through.

Next time, we find out that the Abbey has a basement!