What Doreen thinks about episode 8 of Helix-Vade in Pace

Yep, it's DoreenDoreen here again! You may or may not remember me from the first four episodes of season one. I was the smart lady scientist who wasn’t interested in boning the team lead Alan. So naturally I was killed off, what with being smart and having a personality. Now I’m just hanging around in the  afterlife, watching my highly educated, yet dumb ass CDC co-workers bumble around on the crazy cult island in Season 2.

Bluesy top-tapping music goodness to go with the all the deadbodies as my dick co-workers figure out how to use a goddamncrown crowbar. But too late, they don’t manage to prevent the obviously crazy cult leader from doing crazy cult things. These are people with doctorates, supposedly, but their dumb asses are too busy running around doing diddly squat.

Too late to the dining hall!

Too late to the dining hall!

Take my jerkface of boss, Alan, who is busy gently tapping on the door of Sarah, his immortal baby momma’s room. He finally wants them to leave the island. She wants to stay. Something about wanting to figure what happen when Alan was drugged, then attacked her, knocked her unconscious and took her to the most unsanitary operting room where people in dirty old robes operated on her and took the fetus from her belly. I dunno Sarah, that might be enough reason to leave the damn island. But nature calls, so the at least one of the parents wants to stay and, you know, find the kid. They both head off to the dining hall to find the others.

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Sarah! Alan wants to talk!


Then there’s Julia, Alan’s FORMER wife. Yeah, Alan needs a larger dating pool. Remind me to tell you about that antics he was pulling while we were fighting an ebola in Nigeria, back in 2005. Which is odd as hell, because he tends to be bland as hell, much like Sarah. Maybe it’s for the best that the kid was taken? Mixing bland with bland is never a good idea. This is how we get Francos!

Anyway, Julia’s running around on the same island, but 30 years in the future. She wants to find the cure to a plague, one that she thinks started on the island 30 years ago. So at least she’s right about something!

Julia, in the future, though she still hasn't gotten very smart.

Julia, in the future, though she still hasn’t gotten very smart.

Unlike crazy ass Brother Michael, who’s just wrong on so many levels, bu the main one is the decision to kill off most of his cult. Kids, adults, it didn’t matter, he went all Jim Jones and had them drink a special liquid. A “thinning” he called it. ‘Cause when you’re off your rocker you have to come up with special names for mass murder.

So he’s back in his special laboratory, where his daughter Amy is locked in a glass class. Brother doucehbag mourns a bit, nazel gazing all the while over the death of his followers. Whom he killed. Yeah, that kinda crazy.

Amy tries to talk him into believing she’s on his side. Naturally sex is involved. Michael may be an immortal murdering jackass, but he’s got needs, you know? You’d think that after 500 years of life he’d gain a little bit of self control. But no. Amy works her magic, distracting Michael.

Hence, the a group of cult followers coming into MIchael’s sacred “planting” chamber, just as he’s planning to “sow” his…oh who cares. He’s just mumbling crazy shit to justify incest, so ewww, it’s all bullshit.

But hello, Amy’s been busy building her own following. There’s a new brand kind of crazy on the island. You could call Amy a lot of things, manipulative, liar, agitator, but you could never call her boring. She’s a cultist who’s going places!

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Watch out, Amy’s got plans!

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Along with dour faced minions!


Which is something that Kyle, Peter and Ann aren’t doing. But who can blame them as they mourn all the dead cultists in the dining hall. I guess they’re going to eat lunch elsewhere from now on? Alan and Sarah arrive, then Alan and Peter fight, ’cause they’re brothers and also assholes. Broholes?  Fairly bland too. Maybe that’s the damn pathogen, it kills off all the interesting people and keeps the boring ones around? ‘Cause this is one of the most whitebread team of people I ever worked with. You know, when I was alive.

Anyway, Kyle breaks up the fighting brothers a, but then a heavily armed strike force arrive, led by a Lieutenant Commander Winger. The strike force is working with or for the CDC. They’ve got big guns and bad news: The island is no longer the only place under quaratine. The pathogen is spreading. Black clad special troops never bring good news.

Just what the island needs, a military strike force!

Just what the island needs, a military strike force!

Winger asks questions and gives answers. Turns out there’s a secret military base 40 miles south of cult island. And people there are dying. So everyone is either going with the strike team or being rounded up by a coast guard that’s day behind. Goddamn bees and their flying ways! No wonder this has started to spread!

So Anne heads outside, wanting to take care of any other survivors. Peter is very concerned with Anne and her tender feelings and follows her outside. Pathogen isn’t the only thing in the air! Much comforting is done. Peter, do you know what Alan did on the island? Maybe you should read her OKCultist profile before taking this relationship any further.

Anne explains to Peter that there was similar thinning about 100 years ago. She brings up a good point that since he never aged and healed fast, of course they’d think Michael was a god. That’s why they followed and believed him. Eh, did no one recognize what a dick he was?

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Yeah, there’s mass murder and pathogens floating around, but Peter’s here for you Anne!


Amy leads the captured Michael down a dark underground path. Jesus, they’re having a smug-off, each trying to convince the other who’s really in charge. Considering that she’s got you surrounded Michael, maybe you should be so quick to dismiss her. Ha, like he’d listen to reason!

There's a new sheriff in town and boy can she gloat!

There’s a new sheriff in town and boy can she gloat!

Yes, Sarah, tell another doctor that you’re an immortal. That’ll explain the book of geolgy records that Kyle found. So convienent that he just happend to pull that one book from a two story library packed with rows of books. Goddamn bullshit luck! But yeah, if you want Kyle to believe this immortals crap Sarah, you’re going to have to take out your fake contacts, show your silver eyes and take a couple of mintues to explain the epically insane craziness and not just the garden variety cray cray. Well, that and ingest some of that messed up honey to prove you’re hard to kill. Oh lord, Kyle’s miffed the he worried about  her so much. Sarah thinks its cute. Calm down you two.

Hey Kyle, there's something you and Sarah need to talk about!

Hey Kyle, there’s something you and Sarah need to talk about!

Shame that beautiful moment is wrecked by gunfire from outside. The super special strike team is shooting infected people who were attacking them. Greaaat, more smart people. Sarah and Kyle examine the bodies and Sarah discovers that the man she shot two days again (and presumed dead) is one of them. Seriously. It’s only been two days since that crap happened. So now we know two things: there’s a lot of shooting on this island and that it may not matter, ’cause zombies of sorts. Some of the supposedly dead will just come back or not, like a bad Syfy show on reruns. Winger thinks now would be a good time to leave. Alan and Sarah think it’s time to go outside the abbey, ’cause if the pathogen kills in two days and this newly dead guy was alive for five, maybe there’s a cure? Only an autopsy can tell, but Winger’s got places to be and wants a quick one. Yeah, rush the procedure that could find a cure, good idea!

Just dealing with uninvited infected people at the abbey, nothing to see here!

Just dealing with uninvited infected people at the abbey, nothing to see here!

Amy has Michael thrown in one of oubliettes. Once there, she taunts him, he struts around and threatens. He isn’t scared, since he’s immortal and can’t die. No worries there, crazy cult guy! Amy has the cover bricked up. Ha, he can’t die, so he’ll just be down there forever. You’d think she would at least try to kill him. Don’t captured villains usually escape? What is this, Arkham Asylum?

Luckily, Julia finds him 30 years in the future. Thank God Landry and the bros took the time to label Michael’s “burial”. Naturally, Julia opens the pit, of course. Because that’s the smartest thing to do on an island where a pathogen was born, yeah.

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Does anyone know where Michael was entombed? Anyone?


Back in our time, the CDC team is busy packing up. Sarah comes across Amy and demands to know where Michael is. See Amy’s gloating face. She’s in charge now, Micahel is…gone. But, she’s willing to help Sarah find that baby of her’s, sure no sweat. Hello, manipluative bargin!

Kyle and Alan chat about things while doing an autopsy on the body of that infected guy that Sarah thought she killed five days ago, but it happned to attack the compund five mintues ago. That’s what happens on this show, you gotta use run on sentences to get the full explanation! They catch up about Sarah’s immortality, Ilaria and all their foolishness. Strike force lady Winger comes in demanding answers and Alan tells her to fuck off and walks. Sarah goes after him, Peter tries to stop her, saying if she goes then she’s off his team. Yep, this is totally appropriate and totally the time to pull that card! Sarah says it was never his team, it was Alan’s, meaning she still has the hots for him. See what I mean about bland? A strange pathogen is killing off people and they people are still caught up in their love lives! Anyway, she convinces Alan to continue helping the CDC, while she stays behind and they hug out.

Just shooting the breeze while performing an autopsy

Just shooting the breeze while performing an autopsy

Meanwhile. Amy’s busy setting up shop in Michael’s former office, you know the one with the ornate window. Nice try pulling rank on your daughter Ann, but you did agree to hand her over for EWW times with Michael, so somebody doesn’t have much right to pull anything, except the terrible parent card. See, Amy has big plans, especially with the help of Brother Landery. And who’s that up on the picture wall now? It’s just Michael. Damn right!

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Amy moves into her new office

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While mementos of a previous leader hang on the wall


Who let the Michael out, Wout, woot! Poor guy, he’s weak and stumbling around. So Julia helps him around while asking questions about a very special chld who was born 30 years go who might be the key to ending the plague. Shame Julia didn’t ask her pal Caleb, who’s been living on the island and looks about 30. ‘Cause again that would take too much smarts.

Instead Julia, just let Michael lead you to the edge of cliff, supposedly to look for a cave entrance. Whoops, did he just push you off the cliff? Does that leave you dangling by your fingertips? Yeah? Then next time, don’t trust the crazy cult leader with a penchant for genocide. Consider this a good life lesson.

Oh yeah, there's totally a cave entrance on this ledge. Trust me!

Oh yeah, there’s totally a cave entrance on this ledge. Trust me!

Thank God Caleb arrivs and cuts off Michael’s head. Hatake’s word works just fine!

Meanwhile, Alan, Kyle and the strike team head out of the compound to find where all the infected are, in the hopes of finding a cure. Everyone wants a cure. No seems to realize that getting off the damn island would be the best cure of all.

Everyone remember where we parked!

Everyone remember where we parked!

Amy, amy, amy. Don’t be so smug with power. When Sarah asks what happened to her kid, dont’ be so arrogant. Doesn’t matter if you didn’t kill the kid, when you had Sarah drugged and perform some weird ass procedure on her. Just don’t be a smug shit about it, ok? Just tell her you induced labor, show her the living fetus that’s stored in goddamn cupboard and then bargain with her for what you really want: immortality. And since Sarah’s a doctor and immortal, she can do this right? Then she’ll get a her baby back.

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Why yes, Amy does know where Sarah’s stolen and immortal baby is!

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Just tucked away in the cupboard, for safe keeping!


Not a bad plan Amy, but mucking around with a parent’s kid probably isn’t a healthy thing for you to do. Sarah’s already shot one person on the island and that was just for running after her. There’s probably a list of things she’d like to do to you right now.