What Doreen thinks about Episode 7 of Helix-Cross Pollination

yep-were-screwedDoreen here again, the one nice and smart character that was of course killed off in Season 1.  Now I’m just hanging around in the  afterlife, watching my dumb CDC co-workers bumble around on the crazy cult island in Season 2.

Wakey, Wakey Alan! It’s the only thing to make those bad dreams go away.
Flashback to 1601 and Brother Michael the handsome brown haired conquer who has the hots for a local peasant girl. So marry her already, even though she has the hots for someone else. Hello there blond haired love child! Hello there mocking by others!
That’s enough to make a guy mad enough to burn down the house down and mutter in French about how he’ll never be a cuckolded again. That’s exactly how a cult usually starts, with a broken heart and murder.

Michael starts his cult

Michael starts his cult

Seems Michael really took that affair to heart and he turned himself into an excellent geneticist/botanist. Those delicious apples have been making all the men on the island infertile. So only Michael, as an immortal, can father children on the island. Helluva grudge there Michael.

Or at least this is the story that Durant, the world’s cutest immortal, tells Julia. Go ahead and believe the prepubescent immortal Julia, why not? It could be way for Ilaria to avoid its plans of killing off 75% of the human race. Julia thinks this is 1) a good idea and 2) remotely practical, which illustrates the level of forethought I had to deal with when working for these a-holes. Can’t immortals think of anyone but themselves?!

Awww, who's a cute little immortal?

Awww, who’s a cute little immortal?

Back on cult island, Michael needs Amy on top things in his lab, what with Agnes and Anne gone. But Amy prefers being on top of information at the moment, informing him that some of the cultists are scared about the recent virus outbreak turning people murderous and want to leave the island. Oooh, bad news there disciples! Cult leaders do not like this sort of free thinking, as rule, so Michael calls a meeting to charm, scare, er convince people to calm down!

Too bad Peter can’t leave! Not while stuck in the bottom of that oubliette. Hey, at least Anne is there now, what with the whole being framed by Amy thing that went down last episode. Have I mentioned just how smart Amy is, while probably being the sanest person on the island, because she seems to be only one who wants to get off cult island? She’ll go places, if she can survive…

And Alan is still running around, looking like hell. Kyle was up all night searching for infected. Where were you Alan? What are all those images flashing through your scruffy head? And why didn’t you wear that handsome scruffy beard when I was on the team? It would have made a helluva lot easier to deal with you when you were being a d-bag. Which was pretty much every day.

Alan gazes off while Kyle talks. We totally get that feeling

Alan gazes off while Kyle talks. We totally get that feeling

Never mind, family cult meeting! Michael has things to say, what with cult island having a breakout of the virus that makes people stabby. Everyone should stay here in this nice dining hall in the abbey, right? Its warm and safe here!

At least the cultists are growing half a brain and getting a bit riotous over that idea. Someone throws food at Michael. Guess who’s coming to dinner? Anarchy, with its plus 1, scared villagers!

Here's what they think of your plan Michael!

Here’s what they think of your plan Michael!

Jesus Alan, snap out of it. Bad dreams and strange images mean… well who knows. But your baby momma is missing, and all you can find of her is a boot. Damnit man, search, you can’t have a relationship with a boot! Hell, take Kyle with you, he’s useful!

Oh great, now Michael is talking to his wall of photos, aka the wall of EWWW, aka the wall of photos of the daughters he’s had sex with over the past five centuries. All in front of that Ornate Window! This is like step 3 on the five step list Things Getting Worst.

Just a relaxing talk with the wall of eww

Just a relaxing talk with the wall of eww

Ha, Amy walks in and wonders who he’s talking to. Never mind the monologuing, what’s up Amy? Oh Brother Landry has jailed the guy who threw food at Michael, putting him a contemplation cell! No big deal, Michael isn’t concerned. Run Amy! When cult leaders get all smilely and shruggy about dissenting minions, and talk silky smooth while they choke you to remind you who’s really in charge here. This is not how a father of the year acts!

Michael trys to "convince" Amy of things.

Michael trys to “convince” Amy of things.

Sarah! Don’t sleep too long in rooms with dripping ceilings and walls! Get out of bed and wander around the dark, dank tunnels with one boot on. What’s that on the floor you stepped on? Looks like a bloody tooth. Touch it, pick it up without gloves! Never mind your science training, we have a plot to get through!

Always touch gross stuff with your bare hands

Always touch gross stuff with your bare hands

Being jailed in a hole in the ground is not a good time for confessions Anne! Peter’s still pissy about being dumped in the hole by your father/cult leader. Fulter? Cather? Whatever, he’s not in a forgiving mood! But at least you two have a common bond, working with family members. Awww. But really, ewww. ‘Cause brainwashing, Anne, get that brain out in sun and let it breathe in the some non crazy air!

Peter's not in the mood for apologies!

Peter’s not in the mood for apologies!

Amy, thanks for visiting the hole in the ground. Throw down a rope like Peter asks! Never mind Anne, your mom/sister, saying no, she’s brain washed and on the soak cycle. Guess that bonding moment is over. At least Amy remains the smart one and leaves ’em both down in the hole. ‘Cause with Michael talking to a wall of photos, who needs more problems running around?

Whenever you come across a body in dank tunnels, always steal their boots and head for the nearest door with a lock! You might find kids hiding from their rage infected father. Who has a cleaver. But don’t open the lock Sarah! Especially if there’s another voice besides dad that’s screaming, then suddenly stops. Yes, instead open the door and then take the kids with you. ‘Cause you’re the best babysitter ever.

Sarah found kids in the pantry!

Sarah found kids in the pantry!

Good to see Kyle and Alan wandering around the dank, dark tunnels too! Now it’s a weird party. Especially when you discover a room with a bloody gurney. Does that remind you of somehting Alan? Strangely cloaked people performing a procedure on Sarah? ‘Cause large hoods would totally be a help when you’re operating on a person.

How about that, Kyle figures out that Alan was drugged. Comforting. Yeah, let’s take that nugget of info, disgest it and the news that Alan is on the island investigating the Ilaria Corporation. Which he didn’t tell the CDC about. Goddamnit it man, that same lack of information sharing got me killed on season 1, have you learned nothing in all that time?! Clearly not ’cause then you and Kyle decide to split up while looking for Sarah. That damn island makes people act so nutty.

Helix s02e07-25

Alan and Kyle, still taking

Kyle, if you wander into Michael’s lab, hide from him! Relax and take a load off while he cranks up a few old tunes and goes to work on some purple flowers. But be quiet for god’s sakes, can’t you see he’s doing very important stuff? Relaaaax, pick out a book from the shelves all around you. Hey, it might be Michael’s diary from the 1600s!

Just a little light reading!

Just a little light reading!

Surprise, surprise, the Sarah’s Kids (copyright pending) are scared and one of them needs a story. Sarah obliges, ’cause now is a really good time for a lengthy tale. It’ll give dad with a cleaver time to find you! Run Sarah and nameless children!

Not a good time for a story!

Not a good time for a story!

Alan shows up, but luckily dad chooses that exact moment to keel over and drop some fungus from his mouth. Eww and whatever, Sarah needs to head to the infirmary and try out the ultrasound machine there. ‘Cause what did happen in that operating room?.

Yeah Amy, have it out with Michael, incest loving immortal cult leader of a father, with no one else around! Tell him that you won’t be sleeping with him, that you’re your own person! He’s only had 500 years to get smart and savy, he’ll know nothing about Landry, the cross pollination you two have engaged in and getting him to frame Anne. Dude has nothing but time, after all!

More talking, this time with confronting!

More talking, this time with confronting!

But lucky you, it’s promotion time Amy! You’re going to be mother to a whole new island of cultists. Once Michael kills off all the others. And then you’ll be his favorite daughter. Just like Agnes and Anne were, and look how well it turned out for them! Now contemplate all this in the unbreakable glass jail! Wait, how the hell does on get tempered glass in these parts??

Amy learns about her "promotion."

Amy learns about her “promotion.”

Of course Alan went with Sarah to the infirmary. But nothing shows up on the scan. The baby isn’t there. Now Alan, while Sarah’s reeling from that, tell her that you were drugged and attacked her. Right now is the perfect time! Well, it is if you want her to get upset and kick you out the spooky infirmary.

Alan explains things. Badly!

Alan explains things. Badly!

Kyle, come out of hiding, but don’t let Amy out of her glass prison. Even if she claims to know where Sarah is! Don’t listen to her Kyle, just roam around the back tunnels. Maybe you’ll discover Peter and Anne in a hole in the ground. Throw them a rope! Discuss the purple flower you saw Michael working on! Anne knows what’s that’s for, thinning the herd, ala mass suicide. Or murder. Michael’s upping is game, ugh.

Amy on display!

Amy on display!

Cue Michael announcing to the other cultists that the CDC team has found a cure. Just drink this liquid and you’ll be protected from the rage virus. To prove it works, Michael downs a glass and smiles. As far a being a cult leader goes, Michael’s pretty good at it.

Anne, Kyle and Peter, run to stop the crazy man from doing his crazy thing! Too late! Every one drinks and begins coughing, then lying down. Michael, the shit bag, walks among them and watches while smiling, finding one kid who managed not to drink. So he hands him a cup and encourages him to drink. Down the it goes and down goes the kid.

Helix s02e07-44

Is this ok to drink?

Helix s02e07-45

Sure, would this face lie?

 

ISLAND REPORT:

If you ever get an invite to go to a thinning don’t accept!! Don’t even buy the soundtrack!

It sucks to work with family!

Not every time is a good time for a story!