Like good geeks we saw The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies Tuesday night. We loved it and stumbled out into the evening wondering where the giant hogs and racing rabbits were. Curse you Jackson! Naturally, we immediately started discussing it while planning to see it again and again. Ok we admit, we’ll see it several times partly because we are about to enter that horrible dry winter movie period when it seems like nothing good is out. But still! It’s a darn fun world to put yourself into for 2 1/2 hours and then geek out over the details later. Especially where all the ideas came from! We wonder what sort of discussion the Producers table had…
Jackson: Ok we need all the ideas. You know all the ones we thought were ridiculous. Let’s hear it muggles!
Guy 1: Wrong franchise my lord!
Jackson: Silence, lowly scribe! Bring me more ideas! We’ve got four armies so far- men, elves, dwarves and orcs. Whose the fifth?
Chorus: Giant Earth Worms? Evil Bats? No, No the Goblins!
Jackson: Goblins? I like that, make it so! We’ll make sure all the armies look pretty and awesome and vast. Now how many war animals can we have? 5? 10? 500?!
Guy 2: Our engines can’t handle all those frames Captain!
Jackson: Fine, fine, we’ll do less! Now what kind?!
Dude 1: Wargs? Elephants?
Jackson: No, we did those, what else?
Dudette 2: Giant Moose? Giant Boar?
DelToro (either via haunted puppet or Skype): WAR RAMS.
Jackson: Yes, yes! Plus we keep the bats! And if we have bats we can have eagles!! Is there anything cooler than Beorn on the ground fighting?
DelToro: Beorn being delivered by eagle, changing while falling out of the sky and fighting!
Jackson: Awesome! Thanks Guillermo. What else? C’mon people- we need all of the things!
Philippa: Oh, can we have a great wizard and elf battle with the 9 ghost kings??
Jackson: Of course we can! We can make the Lady Galadriel very mad and green! Let her strut her stuff, show how powerful she is.
Guy: Galadriel smash!
Guy 2: What about a trippy eye of Sauron light show?
Jackson: No! Yes! But not in the big battle. That will be right after we kill the dragon. I’m a little bummed we have to kill the dragon. And no on ever gets to ride the dragon. Hey, what else can we get Legolas to ride? He’s a favorite you know.
Fran: Yes…. He’s a favorite. (Philippa is nodding)
Guy 1: Well, I guess we can’t get the Ents in there. So could he ride the Giant Worms?
Guy 3: No, they’re not on screen that long.
Jackson: What else? War Moose. No. War Ram. No. OH Giant bat!
Jackson: Ok. What else. He should ride lots of things. Let’s see, we did elephants before, barrels, spiders…
Fran: OGRE! He can totally ride an ogre…
DelToro: You know he can ride the bat to Azog’s watchtower and then kill the bat to land in the right spot for that arrow shooting scene.
Jackson: YES! AND?
DelToro: Then when the tower needs to come down and be turned into a bridge, he can ride the ogre and ram it into the base of the tower to push it over.
Chorus: OF COURSE HE CAN…
We like to imagine the adventures of Tauriel after the Hobbit. She is unaccounted for as a new character and lives past the events of the 5 armies so…ROAD TRIP!
She goes north and stalks Strider and Legolas in the forests!
There’s a brief stop by the Shire, to rest and say hello. She mostly hangs out with Bilbo for a bit, helps him remember a few events.
She goes to Dol Guldur and kills all the giant spiders, except that pesky one that escapes!
Then off to have tea with the Lady Galadriel.
Perhaps she should ride more war animals, just because. Eventually she makes her way to where Kili was born and raised, just to see how he was, before finally moving on. We see her looking at a map, marking off places where she’s been and then circling places she’s like to go.
Meanwhile, Part 2…
The Lessons of Legolas:
Legolas travels north to find Stryder. Along the way, he rides various things, just for the fun of it. It’s rumored that he became a hair stylist in Rohan and was largely responsible for the ill-fated Golden Hair fashion craze, which resulted in the city of Comb-Dur burning to the ground. After that he continued drifting North, doing various odd jobs and finding things to ride.
He teaches Strider everything about how to brood. The brooding look, the brooding hairstyle, the winning smile to keep people around to watch you brood. Strider wrote a short book on brooding, which was quite popular with the youths of the time and became a best seller across several regions. Legolas was not amused and brooded more, resulting in a brief falling out between the two. It was only when Strider introduced Legolas to the giant squirrels of Mount Gram, which the latter delightfully rode into battle against an orc horde that their friendship resumed.
As Stryder gets older- Legolas teaches him elvish fighting techniques such as: Spinning with a sword and hitting many targets, ducking and hitting targets on the way, riding things while hitting many targets, carefully lining up a shot in slo-mo to hit a single target and of course the famous hitting targets while wearing a cool looking hooded cloak.
Meanwhile Part 3, kin of Part 2: Wrapping It All Up
After Dain becomes of King of Erebor and coordinates moving all the Dwarves back into The Not So Lonely Anymore Mountain, Gandalf tries to woo Galadriel. She’s initially receptive to his advances, but when he begins talking about “settling down” and opening a franchise of magic schools, Galadriel pulls away. This also results in a falling out with Radagast the Brown, who disliked Big Magic intensely. Galadriel concentrates on being more kick ass and succeeds beyond anyone’s wildest dreams.
Bard the Bowman continues helping the people of Laketown and eventually opens a bakery. It fails miserably, forcing him to seek other work. After trying his hand at acting, city guard and flower arranger, he reluctantly agrees to be King of the new city Dale. This work out pretty well, particularly with Smaug Saturdays, a weekly feast. The Elves are invited, but politely decline, citing the lack of green food. Later, Bard leads negotiations with the Dwarves of the Mountain and successful trade brings prosperity to the region.
Every now and then the Eagles are spotted in the skies, shaking their heads and laughing. Strider continues brooding.