New episode! We’re at the building that the houses the StoneHeart Group. The old German vampire is visiting with Palmer, who’s waiting for The Master to save his very dying butt. (Worst Make-A-Wish ever) Seriously, vamps look healthier. German teases him about whether The Master will appear. Palmer thinks he’s very important! He has faith the Master will keep his unstated, but obvious bargain: turning Palmer into a vampire, so he won’t die. Dude, vampires aren’t your friend.
Commercial break! Buy something! I don’t want to like that commercial but Lionel Ritchie’s All Night is undeniable.
Back! The League of Vampire Hunters returns to the Fortress of Pawnitude after a busy night. Zack and Eph bond over dad’s vampire hunting, while Zack leaves out that he wasn’t minding the store when asked if everything was ok. Liar, liar pants only slightly smoldering.
OldMan sits next to a heart in jar and then talks to it. Flashback time! Young OldMan, still looking dapper in hat and trench coat. He’s hunting for the German, but in the meantime he’s gained a lovely wife in the fight against vamps and made a bit of a home. Terrible interior design sense though. Evidently he’s been searching for the Master a while; it’s Vampire League .05. Ooooooooo. A hard core fanatic is never a good marriage partner. Ask Kim Kardashian!
Present day: Nora talks with OldGuy, who’s still a fanatic, but has grey hair. Nora discovers the gross undulating heart and gets curious, ’cause hey, beating heart in a jar. OldGuy gets cranky and tells her to get off his lawn! For some reason I feel like the heart is a pet squid or something. Or maybe I just want it to be a pet squid…
Meanwhile! Gus steals a car and a guy he used to know. Don’t go into business with Gus! They drive off.
Back to the Fortress- Everyone is planning, Eph points out that OldMan is a fanatic. Everyone else is like, eh, he’s just devoted.
Hacker Girl knocks on door. Yes! We missed you! And she has a plan. Hopefully it’s more than 12% of a plan.
More commercials. Robert Downey has a new movie coming out! No, it’s not Iron Man 4. Oh yeah, buy stuff, then eat here, eat there!
Hacker Girl sets up stuff. Eph argues with her, ’cause he’s still an Ass. Hacker Girl points out that she can access the Emergency Alert System, which is kinda perfect for a vampire apocalypse. Eph realizes she has a good idea and goes away to prepare for the broadcast. ‘Cause he’s the boss and therefore must do the presentation! Hmm, maybe Power Point will help?
Back to Gus, he explains to his non-friend that he’s looking for guns and ammo, ’cause that’s actually kind of smart. We need guns. Lots of guns.
Flashback time again! Young OldGuy rides a white horse to where he thinks the German might be. He finds a deep well that seems to be the place, then does his best Indiana Jones impression and heads down into the dark hole. What’s that Lassie? Timmy’s in the well?
Once there, he pulls out his sword (get your mind outta the gutter) and searches as the sun goes down outside. He discovers a nest of napping vamps, the Master uses the vampnet to speak through one of them, reminding the now dirty young OldGuy he’s out past curfew. Sigh. OldGuy underestimating things since the 1960s.
So Young OldGuy heads back to the well opening. But the German has taken away the rope! Then he taunts Young OldGuy and heads off. Must be dinner time!
Present day! Hacker Girl speaks techno babble, while explaining her background. She’s actually a nice girl with a destructive streak. RatMan smiles a lot. It’s a good first date.
More commercials. Buy a scary video game! New Keanu Reeves movie! Why haven’t you bought a new car yet?!
In the Fortress again, as Eph prepares what he’s going to say on the very special broadcast. Nora’s mom mentions that Nora has great speech writing abilities. Eph has a -5 get a clue ability and doesn’t take the hint. Hell, he wouldn’t get the hint if he you pounded him with a book of hints.
Gus and his non-friend make it to a special place where illegal guns are stored. Then an unexpected guest! With a bag full of money for a delivery of a shipping container. Gus, don’t be greedy! He doesn’t hear us yelling at the TV and decides whatever is in the shipping container can lead to more bags of money. Oh Gus honey, no.
OldGuy tries to explain himself to the others. He looks sad and out of sorts. OldGuy could use an Alfred pep talk. And not a Michael Caine one! He apologizes for being a fanatic, saying he just got excited. Then he smiles. Yeah, that’s not worrisome.
Back in time, Young OldGuy crawls out of the deep, dark well. It’s daytime! His horse is doing a great impersonation of a Tauntaun that’s annoyed Han Solo. He runs back to his house, to discover the wife seems to have left the door ajar.
Commercials! Ice cream sandwich time!
Back at the shop, Eph prepares for his TV debut. Hacker Girl’s plan works and Eph appears on TV, warning people of a mysterious plague. Unsurprisingly, Eph is the worst announcer ever. Remember Mr. Johnson, the biology teacher from 7th grade who would just drone on. Eph wishes he was that good. And he didn’t test the timing?? Did we learn nothing from Twitter!? We need bite sized bits of info!! The transmission is stopped midway through.
Vampires attack the Pawn Shop! Nora’s Mom is bitten! Oh sure take infected gramma downstairs, that’s a novel idea. Big party at OldGuy’s house! The German appears, with vamp entourage, who work hard to dismantle the many doors and locks the OldMan set up. Vamptourage for the eventual win.
Gus opens a shipping container. It has lots of vamps. Hungry vamps! As Gus takes aim and kills a few, his new non-friend asks for a gun. Gus gives him one, he kills a few vamps, then tries to kill Gus. Just like a non-friend!
Suddenly the vampire commandos appear! (we secretly do the Vamp Commando dance at home) They get rid of all the vamps, then grab Gus and toss him into a truck. Non-friend is left alone, surrounded by dead vamps.
OldGuy tells everyone to go thataway, he has a secret escape door to get out. RatMan tells everyone to arm themselves! Nora is completely freaking out about her Mom being bitten. Eph tells her to take off and grab Zack, he’ll do what must be done. Nora pulls herself together, then asks for the sword! Then in tearful rage, cuts off her Mom’s head off to prevent her from coming back as a vampire. Now that’s a good daughter!
Back to Flashback! Young OldGuy is in his torn up home when the wife returns, wanting to play house. And with two kids she’s turned into vamps! Young OldGuy reassess the relationship, decides a family isn’t what he really wants and puts an end to the vamily.
Present day OldGuy consoles a weeping Nora and cleans sword. He’s a pro at that. On the next floor up, the German taunts him through some sort of terrance/door, wanting to revive their “friendship”.
Flashback. OldGuy cuts out wife’s heart, as reminder of what he must do and what he must leave behind. Because a lock of hair just won’t do the trick.
Present day, he says goodbye to that cut out heart and leaves. The German discovers the heart and smiles, while thinking even leaving behind what OldGuy loves most won’t save him. Then he smiles a villainous smile, ’cause that’s what Nazi vampires do!
Finally, The Master visits Palmer, who asks to be saved. Master drips something into his mouth. Finger Food! Palmer’s assistant returns, finds Palmer outside and looking much, much better, but not like a vamp and clearly in control of his mind and actions, unlike baby vamps. Vampires can be trusted! Master can heal humans! He should go into business in the beauty market.
SO! We are pretty excited and interested in how some loose ends are coming together for the end of this act, but woohoo are we tired of Eph’s sanctimonious crap. We secretly enjoy calling him Eph and finish that phrase in our heads every time he does something idiotic. Seriously, he was in charge of a CDC team, so should be good at leading a group of people to get things done. We are also now burning with curiosity about the ways to be vamped, life blood of the master and how the hell the Commandos are operating alone, without Master wifi…
This weeks lessons:
The Master can heal humans. But there’s probably a catch.
OldGuy has been a fanatic for a while. And he had trouble in a well and then set up a ManCave. Hmmm….
Eph is a terrible public speaker. Yet he thinks he’s a genius at everything. Quit encouraging him!
Nora’s mom had dementia, but was smarter than Eph.
Just ’cause it’s the end of the world, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t flirt and try to go on dates.
Vampire Commandos (Vommandos??) seem to be following a plan. It must be 100% of a plan. They really want tough smart bad asses on their team.