Back again for a another exciting week of vampire hunting! Spoilers!!
Eph’s son Zack is looking through all phones and computers in OldGuyFormerlyFrey’s shop. He finds a working (not paid for advertising) Mac laptop in the shop, gets on WiFi and locates Kelly’s phone. (seriously, how great is Find My iPhone?) He tells Eph, who of course vows to find her.
Eph heads downstairs to inform everyone what he’s about to do. After that, he mentions to Nora that he’s not sorry they had sex on his ex-wife’s bed at the beginning of the vampire apocalypse, but you know, things are weird right now, so he’s all mixed up inside. Am I the only one waiting for him to yell, ‘dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a slayer!’ Awww, do we miss Jim yet?
In the background, the tv tells us that the financial system is falling apart all over the world. But no mention of vampires. Lots of talk of weird deaths/murders but not blood-sucking worm people. You’d think that would be a big topic of conversation.
Meanwhile, our little League of Justice is planning! Yay! HackerGirl, who helped bring down everything electronic, now has a sad about doing that and moans ‘I never wanted to hurt people, but yeah, I helped bring down internet and everything.’ Can she do something to fix it? RatMan wants to know (probably wants to level up in Candy Crush)! Field trip to the Rich Old Guy’s Building!
Outside, there’s signs of looting, cause you never know when a TV will come in handy for the apocalypse. Eph finds Kelly’s phone! Eph helps a homeless woman! They bond! But they don’t talk much. Instead, she leads him to Kelly’s car, which has bloodied napkin inside. A clue! Or maybe that’s ketchup from when she stopped to have a burger?
Flashback to 32 hours earlier at ex-Mrs. Eph’s house. She’s sleeping and Matt the boyfriend/recently turned vampire creepily stares at her, then heads into the bathroom and totally hogs it, the selfish creep. Or he might be avoiding the daylight. But still, don’t hog the bathroom, even werewolves know that! Kelly hears the door slam, wakes up and bangs on door, demanding to be let in so she can get ready for work. But vampires are very private and don’t like sharing bathrooms, so Kelly has to make do.
Eventually, she heads off to work and is seen writing things on a blackboard, which means she’s a teacher! A co-worker lets her know that half the teachers and students are absent. Clearly Kelly didn’t have her coffee (or tea!) if she missed that bit of information. Will Kelly ever wise up? She heads back home, where her vampire boyfriend is still hanging out. He attacks her, she fights him off, BUT!!! A single worm lands on her face and wriggles itself into her eye. Kelly, you’ve got something in your eye! There is not enough Visine!
Kelly drives off, checks her eye, wipes away the blood with a napkin (Eph’s clue!) and can’t really find anything. So she starts crying and falls asleep. Fighting off vampires is tiring work! She wakes up at night, looking a bit pale and feeling sick. It’s a good time for a brisk walk, so she hops out the car, drops her phone and wanders to Zack’s school. A teacher there recognizes her, thinks she’s been in a car accident and tries to call an ambulance, but the line goes dead in mid conversation (never wanted to hurt anyone, eh HackerGirl?). Kelly meanders off into the street, sees a vampire, who notices her and then he turns away for someone else. Maybe vampire all smell like strawberries, even the new ones!? Kelly witnesses him feasting and seems to be grossed out by what she sees. Give it time Kelly! A growing vampire needs lots of calories and you’re in the midst of the best buffet ever!
RatMan and HackerGirl head out in the delivery truck to find a way to get her to fix the internet that she broke. I wonder how much bread is left on the truck, ’cause I could use a sandwich right now. RatMan smoothly talks them into the building of Eldrich Palmer (the guy who imported the vampire Master) so they can do something. They try to head upstairs, but once off the elevator they’re met by the building’s security force. Clearly Ratman needs to work on his smoothtalking skills!
They’re taken to a room where Eldritch Palmer’s assistant, Mr. Fitzwilliams, greets them and takes HackerGal to see Palmer for what will be an awkward reunion. RatMan is left behind with 4 or 5 security guards. Doesn’t look good!
Eph heads back to Kelly’s house, looking for her. And…
Flash to 17 hours earlier. Kelly, still pale as hell and out of sorts, heads to her friend Diane’s (the one who caught Eph and Nora doing the dance of love). Once she’s let in, Kelly chomps down on the friend’s kid and then the friend. Terrible manners and worst gal pal ever! Also they killed another kid! It’s like Walking Dead in here! Look at the flowers!
Fitzwilliams and HackerChick talk and he makes it clear he’ll kill her if she tries anything against Palmer. She gets huffy during her chat with Palmer and he points out she was willingly bought out, so she could leave a mark, soooo maybe save the self righteous, mm’kay? Then Palmer lays out his grand rationale for selling out the human race: He wants to be immortal and vampire DNA might help him achieve that goal. So she punches him, which you gotta admit is pretty great. Go plucky HackerGirl go! Naturally Mr. FitzWilliams drags her out of the room as Palmer rubs his check and says “We must never see her again.”
Cut back to Kelly, who’s exploring buffet items on New York streets, when she gets a head text from the Master. He calls her down into the sewers and she goes, finally meeting the hooded one, who says she should enjoy her glorious fate. ‘Cause evidently having meetings in the sewer, in between eating people, is a step up on the chain of life. Where are the stylish vampires who live in beautiful houses? Lestat, we need you!!
Commercials. American Horror Story: Freak Show looks glorious!
Back to RatMan and HackerGirl who are being walked down a long, dark corridor. Instead of shooting them, Fitzwilliams lets them go, saying he doesn’t agree with everything that Palmer has done. Good help is hard to find, especially when you’re helping vampires!
Eph makes it over to Diane’s house, notes the disarray and then heads downstairs to investigate. Why downstairs, in the midst of vampire plague? Because! Naturally, mom and kid are cuddled up sleeping and Eph has to shoot them when they attack him. Eph finds a necklace of Kelly’s in Diane’s now undead/dead hand. He weeps baby tears and then heads back to the pawn shop. He hugs Nora. HackerChick and RatMan return and Eph tries to pull rank ’cause he’s part of the CDC for all the good that’s done ANYONE. She runs off, because hanging out on the streets at night in the midst of vampire plague makes a lot of sense. RatMan gets pissed at Eph. These guys should not be roommates!
Later Eph elects not to tell his son Zack that his mother is now a vampire and will kill him the second she sees him again. So the Kid wanders off with his mom’s cellphone to re-live old memories. Sadly, she doesn’t iMessage her phone.
Boy-o, am I loving these team-ups. I was starting to feeling like HackerGirl was gonna play Catwoman to Ratman, but alas, now we may never have to agree on her nickname. (Secretly, I hope she comes back, she’s fun) Also, do rich bastards ever realize what a-holes they sound like? Oh sure, it’s perfectly reasonable to kill 7 billion people so you can live forever!
The week’s disappointment- every time we take a step forward with Eph, we take two back! Sure alienate your allies and oh good, lie to your kid so he runs to his mothers arms! Luckily, the Master now has a way to keep Eph under control!
Learnins’ This week:
Seriously! Ban all basements! Forget they exist!
How the heck does the Master keeps all his minions names straight? Without Facebook?
Palmer wants to live forever, so he helped unleash the vampire plague. Good plan there guy!
If you’re gonna get a clue, do it before a worm gets in your eye. Thanks DelToro for that!
Don’t get all excited when you think a red shirt is gonna die and all that drama will go away! ‘Cause Kelly is still around and now she’s a hostage!
We’re not above kids looking at the flowers, so Zack better watch his step and be smarter then dad!