Oberyn Martell recaps Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 1-“The Wars to Come”

Oberyn Martell mugshotHello from this undisclosed island in Dorne. It is I, Oberyn Martell, Prince of Dorne, currently in retirement. There are rumors of my death, but you may ignore them. My injures were grave, but I survive in on island with beautiful wine and delicious men and women. Let us see what foolishness has been going on in the battles for this or that throne.

Hmm, two young high born girls are going to visit a witch. One is demur, sweet and kind. The other must be Cersei Lannister. Even when she was young, she was bossy and headstrong. Too bad the witch predicts much of the calamity that will befall her in the future.

Young Cersei visits a witch to predict her future on the throne

Young Cersei visits a witch to predict her future on the throne

Grown up Cersei ponders all this while traveling to father’s funeral. Tywin in laid out in the church and Jaime stands next to him. Cersei stands next to him and I can’t help but wonder if they will have sex next to this dead relative.

Cersei still thinks Tyrion is her enemy, but now she’s added Jaimie to the list, blaming him for Tywin’s death. Considering he killed one king and allowed another to be killed, she has a point. It is not good when paranoid Cersei has point. It definitely means these two will not be having sex in a church next to their dead father. Perhaps they are growing up?

Speaking of Tyrion, he is hidden in a box and being carried around. Is this what is meant by a dick in a box? How fitting for a Lannister. The beard looks good on him though, a certain roughness that is becoming. A shame I never sampled him, particularly considering the many rumors about his size. His height could be perfect for so many things!

Oh, he’s become maudlin. That’s no fun. But killing your father and lover does not help one’s attitude. He can’t even hold his wine. What a waste of spirits. Pity though, as Varys has turned out to be quite the schemer, bringing them all the way to Pentos to continue his plans to reinstate a Targaryen ruler. Daenerys could be the person, she is smart and kind, though still so young. Perhaps Varys and Tyrion could advise her, among other things. Let us see what the Imp can do!

Tyrion ponders wine as Varys attempts to speak sense to him

Tyrion ponders wine as Varys attempts to speak sense to him

In Meereen, Unsullied soldiers are overseeing the tearing down of old statues. One in particular, named White Rat, heads to a brothel afterwards. Excellent idea, though it’s odd that he does not bring wine with him. Surely you can’t have one without the other! But what can a Unsullied do with a woman, they are eunuchs, yes? Ah, there is more than mere sex for a soldier. Sometimes it is good to be held. But be careful of letting your guard down, for someone may slit your throat. Too late!

These Sons of the Harpy are resisting Daenerys’ rule in Meereen. But she will not be frightened off and orders White Rat buried publicly with full honors while ordering more Unsullied soldiers to the patrol the streets. Missandei asks Grey Worm why an Unsullied would visit a brothel, but he says he doesn’t know him. Hmm, his face indicates he might, but isn’t telling. Don’t be a fool Grey Worm, do not let such a prize slip through your hands! Talk to her! But no, he doesn’t and they part ways.

Daenerys deals with the fact that not everyone likes her.

Daenerys deals with the fact that not everyone likes her.

At the Wall, Jon is busy teaching young Olly how to fight. Ser Allliser is alive, though limping as he walks through the training grounds. Sam explains to young Gilly that if Alliser is chosen as the new Lord Commander the many captured Wildings may be in trouble, for he doesn’t like them at all.

Melisandre interrupts Jon, saying Stannis wishes to see him. She appears very interested in him and his virginity. He is a good looking one, but a brooder, no doubt awkward at parties. Could his outlook be changed? Oh for the chance to try!

Melisandre contempts Jon. Who can blame her?

Melisandre contempts Jon. Who can blame her?

Stannis wants more men for his own to save the North and he would like the Wildings to be those men. If they fight for him, he’ll make them citizens and give them land. Jon is not sure about this, but Stannis commands him to convince Mance Rayder, leader of the Wildings, of the plan. All Mance must do is bend the knee and acknowledge Stannis as the one true king. Surely Stannis realizes that Mance is not that sort of person?

Baelish and Sansa are busy watching young Lord Robin fail at his swordplay lessons. Is is not good for the Lord of the Vale to be so weak and cowardly, but Baelish is unconcerned. All he cares about is Lord Robin’s name as a power base.

After receiving a scroll, he and Sansa depart. She figures out they’re heading west, somewhere Baelish says that is so far away, Cersei Lannister will never find her. This does not sound fun at all.

Brienne is sullen and angry over the failure to find Arya Stark. A great warrior, but so naive in her ideals for honor. The world can be a dark place after all. She tries to get rid of Pod, yet again, but he isn’t interested in that. He’s a good boy, very dedicated and those whore rumors get around; she should keep him very close, I think. He reminds her that Sansa is still at large. But Brienne is still dour. Pity, she’s a magnificent creature. Such a large woman and a fighter! One wonders how she would be in the bedroom.

They’re distracted by the sound of a passing procession. It’s Baelish and Sansa, but Brienne and Pod have no way of knowing who is in the carriage. The gods can be so cruel!

Brienne tries to plot her next move without Pod

Brienne tries to plot her next move without Pod

Loras is busy saying nice things while Cersei ignore him and watches Margaery and Tommen interact. They are forming bonds and Cersei is not pleased at all. But she is surprised by the appearance of her former lover (and cousin. This family is very odd), Lancel. He has changed quite a bit, shorn of his lovely locks and dressed simply, like a peasant. But his chest is still broad and firm!

He meets Cersei and asks for forgiveness for their past relationship. Ah, he’s become boring, very religious and feeling sorrowful for his role in Robert’s death. I can not help but laugh with Cersei, especially when he invites her to join the Faith of Seven. Can you imagine Cersei being part of any religion where she isn’t it’s head?

Loras is busy with Olyver, the young man who entertained me at the brothel. Why must I miss all the fun things? Two young men, exploring their bodies and in love with the idea of visiting Dorne, it would be quite a party!

Especially when Margeary enters. Oh, do let this go in a most wonderful place, without repeating the gross actions of the Lannister siblings, of course! But while Margeary quite rightly admires Olyver’s naked form, she’s here to counsel Loras on discretion. But he doesn’t care, as everyone knows of his taste and with Tywin dead, he knows Cersei will not be marry him. Margeary notes that Cersei may not stay in King’s Landing, but is vague on the details of why. Plans are afoot!

Tyrion cleans up well and he’s kept the becoming beard. But also the unbecoming drunken attitude. Come little man, life is too short for such petty dullness. You’ve cheated death yet again, be happy! Go with Varys to Meereen and meet Danearys. He asks if he can drink on the way. Heh, his humor is still there, in some way. There’s hope for you yet Tyrion!

Speaking of Daenerys, Daario Naharis and the Meereenian Lord, Hizdahr zo Loraq have returned from their mission to restore order in Yukai. It’s been a huge success, they’ve squashed the rebellion and the former masters there are again under control. But they have request, to reopen the fighting pits. Daenerys notes that she is the queen and repeatedly denies the request, citing its brutality and a waste of human life.

Later in her chambers, a naked Daario tries to convince her of reopening the pits. After all, they were the way he gained a skill and made something of himself. He also urges that she use her dragons to cement her strength. Anyone can buy an army, but she is the only person that can command dragons. But can she? Drogon is gone and the other two have been chained up for weeks. I will say a naked Daario is quite convincing.

So, Daenerys goes to visit Rhaegal and Viserion. It’s dark down there, perhaps a torch for a bit of light? No matter, your angry “children” spit fire, they’ll light things up nicely and show their displeasure at being tied up by their mother. She flees in terror. Next time bring a cow or two, they must be hungry after all.

The dragons are not happy to see their Mother

The dragons are not happy to see their Mother

Jon goes to see Mance and tries to convince him to fight for Stannis. But Mance is not eager to bend the knee and never will be. Which I can respect. No one likes to serve. But it is better than being burnt alive. It is a shame that he is too stubborn to see that.

So they lead him to the flames. Stannis gives him one last chance, but Mance is firm to the end, which just the way to be. The fire is lit and Mance cowers. But before the flames consume him, Jon fires an arrow into his heart for a quick death. What a pity to lose such a leader.

Mance Rayder burns!

Mance Rayder burns!

Wine-filled Queries:

Stannis seems to be quite stuck on the old ways, should he not move with the times? Perhaps his woman of the fire has too much time whispering in his ear.

Did you notice that Jon answered Melissandre’s question about his virginity? He was very grim and brooding, but oh he answered!

Do we really believe Sansa will go with Brienne? She seems settled to her new position. We must find other pursuits for the fighter!

Young Dany is so very black and white. She will have to learn to bend or break entirely. I would love to tell you stories of my time in the Fighting Pits of Meereen…