Helix recap-“Mother”-What Doreen thinks!

Doreen happy mugshotDoreen here again, telling you whats what with the crazy a-holes I used to work with. I’m dead now, killed off in season one by Sergio for no good reason, other than being smart and having a personality. Screw you Serg.

Ah, the smell of burning bodies in the night. Smells like WTF. Good, uplifting start for an episode titled Mother.

Julia and Amy are chatting away as more bodies of the dead are put in the fire. The former wants the Mother plant to offer as an alternative to Ilaria’s plan to kill off most of humanity. Because keeping humanity alive but sterile would be much more appealing? I figure if a group of people really want to kill off humanity, then they really want to do just that. Keeping them around isn’t going to be same. But whatever, this is Julia’s plan, so let’s just go with it.

Julia and Amy have a nice chat

Julia and Amy have a nice chat

As for Amy, she just wants to be immortal. Julia is ok with that, ’cause why not, there’s already 500 immortals, what’s 1 more? Since Amy claims to know where the plant is hidden, Julia agrees to make her immortal if Amy gives it to them. But thank god Julia is no Sarah and makes it clear she’ll kill Amy if she’s lying about the “Mother” plant. Jules, you’re probably gonna have to kill her anyway, just because.

Back at the cannibal apartment, Alan and Commander Winger are going through the debris, looking for the red sap that can cure Kyle. You remember him, that guy who was being chased by the cannibal couple and then tripped. So rather than get up and keep running, he instead drank a jar of the infecting honey. Smart, especially since he broke the stolen jar of red sap in the fall. So yeah, the highly trained scientist infected himself with a deadly virus with no real cure, to save himself from being eaten by cannibals. Dude, as if denying them a meal wouldn’t just piss them off and make them want to kill you. Lucky for you, the CDC strikeforce arrived at the right moment and killed them. I swear I need more sarcasm in the after life. Anyway, as Alan is fretting about how to save Kyle, Soren mentions that he knows the way to the “bleeding tree,” which has the magic sap that fights off the infection. What, you couldn’t have mentioned this earlier kid?

Now Soren, leave Dr. Kyle alone with hallucinations!

Now Soren, leave Dr. Kyle alone with hallucinations!


Meanwhile over in the Abbey’s hosptial, Brother Landry’s all bloated and disfigured now, since that experiment with becoming immortal went to crapcakes. Anne is there, tearfully apologizing for not protecting him. Like that would have been possible with the way he had the hots for Amy, who’s busy sneering at Anne because…well, sneering is just something Amy does these days. Even when Anne informs her that the Mother plant is missing, Amy looks confused for a second, then keeps on sneering. Children are so ungrateful!

Landry has seen better days.

Landry has seen better days.

Julia and Sergio do a walk and talk through the halls, wondering what the hell they’ve gotten themselves into. Sergio is the a-hole who killed me off in season 1, so I’m desperately wishing they were in situation that resulted in a roasted Sergio, but no luck. He does make a crack about the situation being “Family Feud, Sister Wives edition” which is hilarious and accurate, but the fact he’s still alive and I’m not, just grates, you know? Anyway, those two decide to split up to see if they can find the Mother tree themselves and avoid crazy pants Amy. Oh and Jules knows she can’t make Amy immortal, but big props to her for lying. Apparently all her previous attempts at this went a bit woo woo.

Peter is tearing through Michael’s botany lab/library/creepy place#3, looking for the Mother plant as Anne looks on. Julia strolls in and asks for some private time with Peter. Once Anne’s gone, she point out the obvious: If Petey can’t find “Mother”, then there’s no vast sums of money for him. He gets all irate and then they play a game of who’s the worst person. Julia’s holding a grudge about Peter selling her out to Ilaria and the teenage Scythe. Peter mentions something about loving her, but selling somone to band of snotty immortals isn’t love. Julia points that out and Peter stomps out. Julia wins! But is still losing, ’cause she’s working for the people who want to kill off humanity. Also don’t winning immortals have to chop off heads since there can only be one? I miss bad TV here in the afterlife.

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Peter and Julia play “Who’s a better human”. Fun for the whole family!


Next, Anne and Julia chat. Turns out there’s only three people who knew where Mother was hidden. Michael, Anne and Anne’s son. Who is Landry! Remember all those things Landry and Amy did together? Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth a little too.

So Amy is asking the bloated and seemingly unconscious Landry where Mother is. But unconscious people don’t talk so good! Amy begins to hit him. Which still doesn’t help. Oh Amy, you bratty villain, I’m going to miss you when you’re gone. Because there’s no way you’re going to live much longer with that attitude. You can have some of your goons bring Sarah in and order her to fix Landry, but it won’t help. Hell, the guy was putting the moves on his sister (who encouraged it), there’s not much fixing of either of you!

Amy tried to talk to Landry, but he's busy being unconscious

Amy tried to talk to Landry, but he’s busy being unconscious

Sarah gets a backbone for all of two seconds telling Amy ‘hey you need me more than I need you’. Amy mentions that Julia is on the island now, so guess who has another possible route to immortality? Amy stomps out (lotta that going around), again telling Sarah to fix Landry.

Which she tries to do, bless her heart. Injections, wiping eye goop from his bloated face, etc, etc. Too bad it’s Landry, so he attacks her and attempts to drag her somewhere. Only to come across Anne and Julia in the hallway, so he lets Sarah go and runs off to a tower and does his best Hunchback of Notre Dame impression. Ring the bell Landry!!

Ooops! What terrible timing Landry has when trying to kidnap Sarah!

Ooops! What terrible timing Landry has when trying to kidnap Sarah!

Meanwhile Amy throws a tantrum in Michael’s lab. Sergio finds her and reminds her of the deal to find the Mother plant. Amy tries to seduce him, but it doesn’t work. He’s all businesses, looking for the plant. Remember how everyone wanted Michael? Now it’s all about “Mother”. Everyone’s got 99 problems, but Michael ain’t one!

In the Church hall Anne finds Peter just standing there, looking as dejected as a nerd in a roomful of cheerleaders. Bitches. Someone is having a crisis! Luckily, Anne is there to fill his head with grand ideas, mentioning how he’s a great doctor and leader and yadda yadda. Peter eats it up like fat camp escapee at an all you can eat buffet. Anne likes a strong leader and damnit, if there isn’t one around, she’ll make one!

Peter needs a pep talk!

Peter needs a pep talk!

Julia and Sarah debate releasing Narvik C and killing billions or using Michael’s infertility treamtent to defeat that. Helluva brain trust here, what with Julia trying to prevent a lot of peple dying and Sarah saying it isn’t her right to make that choice. Sigh, kids these days. Then when Julia points out that there will be no stopping Narvik this time, Sarah just shrugs. She has other things on her mind. Ok then. So she tells Julia about her baby because Julia needs to know all the strings she can pull.

Out in the woods, the CDC strikeforce is strolling about, along with Alan, Kyle and Soren. When Soren starts talking to Kyle, the latter begins having hallucinations. I know Kyle, kids drive me nuts too! Things start to get violent so a couple of the soldiers hold Kyle to prevent him from hurting Soren. Damnit!

In Michael’s office, Julia and Sarah try to break into the cupboard that holds Sarah’s baby in a jar. What, can no one find any tools to just force their way in? Seriously, a compound full of weapons but no tools! While there, Sarah mentions that its Alan’s kid. Julia isn’t thrilled, but whatchagonna do, right? What’s done is done and since Julia was busy boning Peter at the time, it’s not like she can justify feeling jealous or angry. Plus there’s larger concerns, what with the baby’s container beginning to leak.
Underneath the Abbey, in the basement, Anne leads Peter through the tunnels. There’s barrels of teeth down there, which is a great sign to get the hell out of any basement. But Peter wants a certain something (no not that) so proof that unspeakable acts have ocurred just doesn’t phase him. Anne talks like a deranged cultist and says the vessel “must be prepared” and he’ll have to speak truth before learning the truth of Mother. Then she blows out the candles and leaves him in the dark. Good talk!

Julia finds out Alan is the father of Sarah's immortal fetus. Good talk!

Julia finds out Alan is the father of Sarah’s immortal fetus. Good talk!

In the the lab, Amy finds a knife in a box and attempts to stab Sergio with it. I root for her her to succeed but she only scratches his hand, then he overpowers her. So she licks the blood off his hand, ’cause…’cause…Amy’s nuts. She laughs, then begins to lead him another location. Following her may not be the wisest choice Sergio. Which means I’m all for you doing it!

Amy being Amy!

Amy being Amy!

In the woods, the team finally manages to contact the Coast Guard team that was coming to pick everyone up. Too bad something else found them also! So the rescue team is killed off and then a voice comes over the radio, chanting “We all sound the same under the water.” Great, one of those mcyotic is a failed DJ!

The soldiers start panicking and want to get the hell off the island. Winger says no and points out that getting Soren to find the “bleeding tree” is the best chance of finding a cure to save Kyle and the anyone else infected. Why people keep finding reasons to stay on Killigan’s island is beyond me. But while they’re arguing Kyle convinces Soren to first give him a drink of water and free him. So Kyle grabs Soron and runs off. Way to keep your one asset safe, highly trained commandos!

Kyle runs off with Soren!

Kyle runs off with Soren!

In a medical lab, Sarah and Julia are busying doing science things. They can’t figure out why Sarah was turned immortal from Julia’s spinal fluid. But by talking about it, they realize this: since Julia was a new immortal at the time, there was SCIENCE reason that enabled the transfer to work. But it won’t now, ’cause neither of them are new immortals. Amy isn’t going to like this!

Down in the basement, Anne asks Peter questions. But in the dark, so there can be no distractions. Because the dark isn’t distracting, uh huh. Anyway, Anne asks him what he really wants. Surprise, surprise, he wants respect. So when did he feel the most respected? Oh that’s right, when he was sick with Narvik at that goddamn artic base. When all the infected people followed him like a zombie horde. And now he’s here on cult island, with the remains of a shattered cult who need leader. Whatever will he do?Probably  whatever Anne thinks he should do. Now Anne turns on the light and beckons him to follow her.

Amy leads Sergio up to the tower where Landry is hiding. It’s where those two use to play. Play what? I’m not gonna ask. But once there, Landry attacks, Sergio does the soldier thing and throws him down the tower, but he’s left hanging from the edge himself. Oh what to do now, what to do? Yes, Amy grab the plant of course. Now, do you help him and further cement your case for being turned immortal? Or do you stomp on the shitbag’s hands, the same shitbag who killed me back in season one. Yeah, you know which one I’m rooting for! Thankfully Amy is that short-sighted, yah! Rest in hell, asshole.

Awww, does someone need a hand? Suck it, Sergio!

Awww, does someone need a hand? Suck it, Sergio!

Kyle’s holding Soren over cliff edge, still having halluncinations. Evidently Kyle was picked on a lot as a kid, and young Soren reminds him of those times. Which all seems odd at this point, but really, with everything that has gone on here, this is the smallest of the odd crap that has occurred. But Alan manages to talk to Kyle and convince him to let the kid go. And luckily at that point Soren spots the bleeding tree, so all is well. Heh, probably not!

Oh hey, it's the magic tree!

Oh hey, it’s the magic tree!

Anne brings Peter down into the basement, talking more crazy cult crap. Turns out it’s a breeding farm, where women are tied up and turned into pure breeding machines. Literally. Their teeth are removed, so they can’t chew through their restraints, hence the barrels full of them. That’s how Anne, Amy and even Agnes were concieved. No wonder Amy wanted off this crazy ass island. She’s a short-sighted, power hungry brat, but even she knew this was a whole ‘nother level of batshit insanity.

Anne’s still talking crazy nonsene, asking Peter if he’s going to be a leader and choose his own path. See there’s one of the tied up women who’s literally giving birth at that very moment and she can either be freed or killed. Peter, with Anne’s voice cooing in his ear, chooses to cut the woman’s wrists, ’cause he’s a shitbag, who’s now under Anne’s influence and what I can’t even…Way to be leader there Petey, O’ King of the Babies.

The island's new power couple: Anne and Peter, King O' the Babies.

The island’s new power couple: Anne and Peter, King O’ the Babies.

Amy has a stand off with Julia and Sarah about immortailty. There doesn’t seem to be a happy solution. But Julia has an idea. Let’s put Sarah’s baby in Amy, so he can SCIENCE pass on the immortality! What the shit Julia, that’s so messed up!

Sarah is totally not down with this idea, with but there’s not a lot she can do to prevent it. But it can’t be an actual idea right? Implanting a baby into another womb isn’t possible for modern medical science. But does Amy know that? Does she even care? Maybe Julia is counting on that ignorance to get Amy in a vunerable position? That’s sound crazy and dumb, which is a normal stay of affairs around here, so that’s probably the actual plan.

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Amy’s going to be a mother!

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Sarah is NOT ok with that!


Lab Report:

Don’t put Amy in charge of anything.

Don’t let Anne be your most trusted advisor

Don’t be in a room alone with Landry.

Do stomp on Sergio’s hands and gleefully watch him fall to his death.