Hi! I’m Doreen. I was with a bunch of top notch CDC scientists sent to investigate a mysterious virus outbreak at an Arctic base (first season of Helix). Was doing good work, until some asshole named Sergio decided I was learning too much information and killed me. Then everything went to pieces with the team and all sorts of crazy stuff happened.
I’ve finally got my head back together, here in the afterlife and am checking up on my old friends.
Let’s see what they’ve been up to!
Lovely uplifting music. That can’t be good. What is Amy doing to Brother Landry? What’s that sound? Good lord, is that office fraternization?! It’s just like the CDC, but without the lab coats!
Flashback time. Hatake’s crazy. Still. But now he’s rocking the long locks and talking to his dead wife and son while splitting wood. Or is that his sanity he’s splitting?! Mmmm, metaphors!
A bit of advice for you Peter, Sarah and new character Dr. Kyle aka Texas: just stop talking to Brother Michael and Anne! The pleasure he gets talking about plant grafts and dreams of people grafting makes me want to go back, find my own path and watch the creepy fraternization.
The nefarious and quiet conversations with Ann just upps that feeling.
Technobabble! Science! Lost samples! This is why you don’t hire cute scientists. Unless it’s Marcy from the Thor movies. Dr. Texas is cute, but not bright, despite what the chalkboard of checklists wants you to believe.
Even the Sarah is getting bored with the pseudo science talk. Just stop, oK SyFy?
Hatake is on the same island as Julia is in the future?! Well shoot, that’s the bacon bits of insanity on this salad of coo-coo. And he’s threatening her, his daughter, with an axe? Great, let’s pour on the peppercrazy ranch dressing!
Smooth move Dr. Texas, make nice with the cult chick who’s hot for ya, while Peter and Sarah go back for the bio samples your dropped. Wish I were still alive! I’d make an excellent assistant for whatever biological experiments he wants! Be less crazy too, mostly.
Still looking for the missing kid, Soren, eh? Pro-tip: when a guardian of the children of the corn hovers incessantly, be suspicious! Evil secrets are being kept!
Yes, while walking around on the creepy island, let’s have a heart to heart about Alan. Sarah, that’s your baby Daddy and you’re talking about him to his brother, who doesn’t want anything to do with him! Which is understandable because Alan’s been blowing up buildings and killing people and that’s just not cool. Even if they were power mad immortals. At least it sounds like Alan finally grew a pair!
Oh look, Brother Landry and his personal massuese, Amy, talk deadly toxins. Well that’s a fine couple, the crazy broad and her bald sex bot…
…feeding “drugs” to kids using ornate steampunk like devices. Where’s Mr. Trigger Happy from last season, Sergio? Why doesn’t he kill these two off, instead of poor ol’ me?
Back in the lost cabin, there’s something angry and punchy outside and he wants to get in. Were the bio samples that Dr. Texas left behind really that important? Hope so!
Yes, it’s smart to bar the door and jump out the back window, but Mr. Grumpy is faster and is more determined! Maybe he’s mad about that horrible skin condition he’s sporting?
Thank god Dr. Texas lent you a gun! And that you’re such a great shot Sarah, go HotZone!
Time for father and daughter chat between Hatake and Julia!
Too bad Daniel is upset about this occurring. Oh wait, he’s been dead since last season and is only in Hatake’s head. That is not a healthy development!
See that shit right there? That’s why I never sipped coffee on the back porch with my crazy dad, even after switching cups. You never know when the old geezer is gonna try to drug you.
Jeezsus H Christ, would you look at this? That’s why I had my tubes tied back in my 20s. ‘Cause you never know when the little ankle biters are gonna turn on you. Does anyone hear Brady music? If they kill Dr. Texas, does that mean his body will join me in the afterlife? Not seeing a downside here.
Oh yeah, confront Brother Michael while he sulks before his beautifully ornate and large window! He’ll totally come clean and tell you the truth! He’s only interested in grafting fruit. Or people. Fruit people? Come to think of it, what exactly is in fruit rollups?
And why are y’all are still hanging out in the creepy compound and not hightailing to shore to wait for that coast guard boat is beyond me.
Hey, Dr. Texas is alive! Beaten and bloodied but definitley not dead and won’t be joining me in the afterlife. Can’t I get a break anywhere?!
Plus side of being attacked by kids: they don’t just bother to finish the job. Back in my day, we would have walked 20 miles uphill in the snow to make sure a cute doctor was dead!
Hatake has Julia in a wheelchair and is brushing her hair. Whole new level of creepy there Dad, drugging your daughter with truth serum and then lovingly cradling her. Sorry you had to find out about her dying this way, but you gotta admit that the relationsihp is complicated.
Of coure the zombie children seem fine NOW.
Look, just head back to the shore, hole up in the trees or something. Just stop hanging out with creepy biologists, didn’t you learn that in graduate school?
Why are y’all still in the compound and talking about trying to get Alan to join your merry band? There’s a level of creepiness and danger that just isn’t right, come back later with reinforcement! That’s the sort of thing people with advanced degrees should do!
Alan poisoned someone to get keys to the storage building! Now that’s the dick asshole boss I know and loved!. Way to throw yourself right into danger. Hmm, mostly empty barrels. Except for some strange flowers thing. I know, let’s pick it up and touch it with your bare hands!, That’s what any good bio scientist immediately does!
Thank god your brother Peter was there too and came along to knock you out. Wait, huh? What the hell is going on with family dynamics on this island?
Yes, they are. Doesn’t mean Hatake hasn’t carefully preserved what’s left of their bodies and placed them around a table. With plates and glasses and what looks like a pot roast and potatoes. At least I hope it’s a pot roast.
Meanwhile I’ll off to go look at Dr. Texas in the shower. See you next week for another creepy episode of Helix!