What Doreen Thinks: “Oubliette ,” episode 5, Season 2 of Helix

yep-were-screwedHey, Doreen here again, that nice smart character that was killed off in Season 1 of Helix. Now I’m just floating around the afterlife, watching my bozo CDC co-workers bumble around in Season 2 and sharing my thoughts. Because man do these people need some help.

Awww Kyle, that’s why you’re on this CDC team, you’re an inside plant, working for the feds?! And to collect intel so they can arrest my former boss Alan, since he was the last person seen leaving a building of the Ilaria Corporation before it exploded, killing dozens? Um, isn’t that enough to arrest him on right there? Geeze what are my taxes paying for? Wait, I don’t pay taxes, I’m dead! Just one of short list of things on the ‘pro’ side of that ‘things about being dead’ list. Still ranks below being able to hang out in the men’s locker room.

Anyway, good effort on trying to save the bleeding Sarah, but Grandma’s in charge of medicine on Cult Island. Tending to every wound on a cult island for 50 years gives one a certain amount of experience. I mean, yeah, Peter can you help carry her to the hospital room, but after that just step back and let Grandma Agnes handle things.

Geeze Kyle, why did you take this job?

Geeze Kyle, why did you take this job?


Don’t leave Sarah alone with her ok, that’s just a bad idea. Guys? Where you going, seriously, not a good plan here. Guys?…Aww crap.

Yes, leave your dangerously wounded colleague with a cult member. Did you guys learn nothing from my death in Season 1?

Yes, leave your dangerously wounded colleague with a cult member. Did you guys learn nothing from my death in Season 1?

Oh, now you want to leave the crazy cult island Kyle? Where the hell have you been, did the stoning by the Children of the Orchard not convince you?

As for you Peter, you’re just nuts. So worried about the disease spreading, yet it’s clear that some very weird things are going on here. Pick up the sat phone and call in the big guys. Because in case you haven’t noticed, there’s only 3 people on your team, one of them was almost murdered by smiling children and the other is currently bleeding out while being tended to by the grand matriach of the island. Alone, might I add! Not a good situation to stay! Unless you’re, umm, secretly working wtih Ilaria. Or are we not talking about that yet?

Wakey, wakey Julia! You just killed your dad, who was going to kill you and then you passed from blood loss. Not a good time for nap! At least that mysterious Caleb guy found you. Not sure if that’s a good thing though, you know, long term!

Yes Julia, walk off the mysterious guy named Caleb!

Yes Julia, walk off the mysterious guy named Caleb!

Coulda told you that Broher Michael wouldn’t believe you that honey is causing the disease that makes people violent and have horrible face sores. After all, you can’t convince crazy people by talking sense to them. Also not a good idea: Telling him that one of his disciples is in fact undercover and he just happens to be your brother. Cult leaders are not the types to have honest heart to heart talks with! Seriously, Peter you’re kinda a dickweed.

Speaking of Alan… look who’s creeping around the Cult Mansion in the middle of the night, Cause he heard a noise. Of course you did Alan, it’s the Cult Mansion!

Alan, don't wander the halls of the Cult Mansion in the middle of the night!

Alan, don’t wander the halls of the Cult Mansion in the middle of the night!

That’s why they jumped you after returning from your “strange noise” hunt and then threw you into a gated hole in the ground. Luckily, they put Peter down there too, with the encouragement to work out the messed up dynamic you two got going. Brother Michael is a helluva unorthodx teacher, probably a fan of Charter schools too.

Brother Michael likes looking down on people!

Brother Michael likes looking down on people!

Ok bros, work out your problems. Still holding grudges ’cause Alan’s wife (Julia) slept with Peter. Let it go, bro! Or not, throw a punch! Ha, you may think you’re better at everything Alan, but that’s not what Julia told Peter!

Staff meeting with Michael and his inner circle of women. Except Agnes, ’cause she’s busy being bad ass, saving Sarah. Michael’s not happy about bees showing up. So he motivates Ann to do better by threatening her with fake poison from one of his custom graft plants. Way to just sit there Amy and look on in horror, instead of, I dunno, doing something. Yeah, yeah, Michael is enjoying playing God with people and with plant grafting. But you should only put up with so much. Wait, Are we sure he’s only grafting plants?

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Ok, let’s talk about the problems we’re having in my cult.

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This performance review is not going very well!


Caleb, Julia’s not Wolverine! So you’ll have to sew up her wounds by hand! She’s also not Professor X either, ’cause he would have figured out these virus problems by now! He also wouldn’t have dropped the knowledge about possibly killing your own father. Inappros!

Why is no one watching over Grandma being alone with Sarah? That doesn’t bode well, especially if she realizes that Sarah heals better than regular humans. What if Michael wants to graft those abilities onto others? Sarah might think there’s more to life than living forever, but she’s young. Grandma Agnes, talk sense to her! But in a crazy, cult like way!

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Don’t worry Sarah, Grandma Agnes will take care of you!


Amy sure is touchy. Understandable though, after her personal attention to Brother Landry didn’t result in her getting the info about the virus spreading via bees before Michael found out. Now it’s strickly hands off eh, Brother? At least Amy’s hands are!

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Oh hey Amy, sorry about not holding up my end of our arrangement.

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Soooo, no more office fraternization?

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Kyle, you cute little thing, stop wandering around Cult Island alone! Even if it’s to take care of that pesky bee hive that’s causing the virus. ‘Cause someone on Cult Island might set a trap to try and kidnap you! Luckily, you’re so damn buff, you can handle multiple attackers. Unless it’s kids! Well, you wore your clean suit, so you can be taught! At least you have powerful friends in the bees, they at least help you drive off that last attacker. Which is way more useful that Aquaman and his friends will ever be.

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Not good to be alone on Cult Island!


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Bees are friends. Sometimes

Good call Ann, apologizing to Brother Michael, especially in the office of the ornate window! Always stay on the good side of crazy cult leaders! But be careful if he starts complimenting you. A real knife may not come out, but the emotional cuts about your fading beauty will hurt even more. Boy, Brother Michael sure is dismissive of aging, who of thunk it?

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Brother Michael has the best office!


Bro power comes alive, as Alan and Peter get tired of beating each other then decide to talk. For a plan, you idiots! Try to work on getting out of the pit. But Peter, don’t trust Alan! He’s a slippery one! That and he overheard you phone call with Ilaria!

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Hey, we’re beat the hell out of each other and still haven’t solved anything.

Kyle, stop talking to the cult people, they will just cult this and cult that and you’ll be culty too, and that’s if they let you live. Which may not be long if Amy takes an interest in you. Brother Landry doesn’t like anyone else getting hands on attention from her! Makes him mad! Causes him to get thoughts when trying to destroy a nest of bees with all that toxic honey!

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Amy wants to be your friend, Kyle!

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Oooh, making Brother Landry jealous!


Ohhh, sick burn there Caleb. But he’s right Julia, it’s nice that you immortals are feeling all life sensitive and caring now that you’re facing death. But humans have been dealing with Narvic outbreaks for nearly 30 years, so they’re way ahead of you on the front.

Sorry Sarah, you can’t leave the hospital room on Cult Island just yet! You’re under Grandma Agnes’ miscroscope and all by yourself and she’s going to disover something you don’t want her to know. Something she might be familiar with, namely the possibility of immortality. Hmmm, wonder what she’ll do with that information!

Watch out for Brother Landry! He likes Amy, even if Amy doesn’t like him. But he doesn’t like you Kyle, ’cause Amy might like you. Which means stoning by children, a disease outbreak and a apple orchard loving cult might be the least of your worries.

Told ya Peter. Don’t trust your bomb throwing brother, he’s not going to help you outta that hole in the ground. Hatake and Julia aren’t the only ones who had issues. Because he’s figured out that you’re working with Ilaria Corporation. So he’s just fine with your staying down there for a while. Or you know, forever.

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Sorry bro, we didn’t really work anything out!

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Alan, you asshole


Caleb, don’t put your nose in other people’s family business! Who hasn’t wanted to kill their parents at some point?! Julia and Hatake has issues!

Oooooh, Amy, so a jar of that toxic honey will get you off the island? Say what now? Not that Landry cares though, as long as he just gets off, courtesy of a thankful honey owner!

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Ugh, the things I have to do to get off the island


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Oh man, living on this island is great!

Caleb is a sword thief, who knew?! Like Agnes, he must be very concerned about legacies. I wonder what he found so interesting about Hatake’s sword, what does that inscription mean? And where is Caleb’s father and mother, come to think of it?

Kyle, don’t ask probing questions, it just makes Alan mad and then he gets fighty. Hence the need handcuff him to a post! . But seriously, what’s your point here? Is this just about Alan or is it about Sarah and Alan. ‘Cause you seem to have a thing for her.

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Alan vs Kyle’s handcuffs, guess who wins!


Oh Agnes, did you not just hear me about probing questions?! Having learned that Michael lied about being the only immortal, you can’t trust him to start teling the truth. Turns out he’s had 500 years to get good at lying, he’s not going to change now. It’s a shame you won’t be around to see it. But at least I’ll finally have some decent company in the afterlife to see how this shitshow turns out!

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Can I ask you a question, oh Cult Leader of mine?

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Sure, I’m secretly immortal, I got time!


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Agnes, when have I ever lied to you, that you know of?


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Oh never mind, you can’t hear me now

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Yeah, Brother Michael is so awesome, he has wall of paintings!

No worries Agnes, we’ll have lots to talk about and you’ll love the men’s locker room!