The last film in Peter Jackson’s Hobbit trilogy opens this Wednesday (or Tuesday night if you’re hardcore). Naturally, stars of the film are making rounds on the talk show circuit, including the greatest of all the Wyrms, Smaug. The Colbert Report caught up with him in between books and feasting on elves.
Brandon: I wonder how Colbert’s people managed to land Smog?
Anyway, I guess the elves sent a PR team. They have the best PR. Everyone adores them. Even if they’re dicks.
Brandon: Elves? Would he have talked to elves? Maybe the eagles broached the subject first?
Sheala: Wizards? You know who has terrible PR and can’t keep an agent? The Balrog
Brandon: Indeed! When will he see the light and stop being so hotheaded?! He just whips himself into a fury over little things and no one wants to deal with him!
Sheala: Plus he gets in your face. Does not let you pass him in the halls.
Brandon: And eats ALL of the toasted marshmallows! Stupid fire demons!
Sheala: Right? Steams all the coffee and tea right out of your cups.
Brandon: Yep. One don’t the eagles step in on THAT problem eh?
Sheala: Dude. I can’t get any butterflies out to the Eagles with that guy around.
So fire signals are the texting of ME. Butterflies are the email. Elf magic visions must be the Instagram.
Brandon: Facebook is the local pub.
Sheala: True! Only Radagast has Twitter. Lol. I’m cracking myself up.
Brandon: No, Galdalf has it but rarely logs in!
Sheala: Lol. OMG. True! Saruman just lurks.
Brandon: And talks smack about what he reads.
Sheala: Heh. Sauron is like the worst though. Trolling everyone.
Brandon: The most obnoxious grammar nazi ever.
Sheala: Right? Thinks he knows everything.
Brandon: Has orcs transcribe his posts and read others to him.
Sheala: Never looks anything up. Except on orcepedia.
Brandon: Of course, he KNOWS the truth. Plus, orcepedia would go along with whatever he says, to stay alive.
Sheala: You can’t even down vote him.
Brandon: They’re quickly editing things as he demands to see an entry.
Sheala: They keep kicking him off reddit but he keeps getting a new user name. Bigeye, bigflamingeye, lookinatyou, iamevil, whereistheone…
Brandon: Keeps trying to create his own sub edit and be the moderator.
Sheala: Has all the orcs up vote him and down vote everyone else.
Brandon: Hence the need for so many orcs!