Here it is folks, the conclusion to all the crazy that’s been going on the island at the end of the world. I’m Doreen, your humble and dead guide to the weirdness that my former co-workers have gotten themselves into.
Julia shot Alan! To be fair though, he was going to shoot her. And now he’s complaining about being shot? There’s a lot of fucking stupid when the person that pulled the first gun whines about the other one shooting him. Idiot.
Hey Alan, don’t get pissy ’cause Julia shot you before you shot her!
Kyle still wants off the island. Sarah does too, as long as she can carry her immortal fetus in the jar. She tells Kyle to pack as much of the cure as he can carry and then heads off to make a “deal with the devil.” Which doesn’t narrow things down at all!
OMG Landry has a new friend!! Who’s just like him! OMG we are gonna have so many sleepovers! Waffles! Ice cream! Killings! Or not, cause Amy’s freaked out about her new and horribly disfigured face. But she’ll always be beautiful to Landry, her brother, who really does love her in that really gross way between siblings. Not that Amy cares ’cause ‘spiteful brat’ is her middle name and she vows vengeance on her Immortal sisters. Sweetheart, I don’t think you’re immortal, but what do I know? Go ahead and test that theory.
Amy is not happy with her new face. But at least it matches Landry’s!
Back in the church, Peter wheels Anne and his new stolen baby around. Oh that’s right, he’s no longer Peter, he’s Eli, leader of the cult of crazy. They discover the hole Julia and Alan made in the church floor and are happy about it, ’cause this means the mother tree is still around and their mad schemes can continue! Eli can deliver the root to Ilaria now, instead of Julia. Think of the power and influence they’ll be welcomed into ’cause Ilaria can totally be trusted!
Kyle extracts blood from Soren, while making plans for what they’ll do once they’re off the island. Hey, PlayStation is not a lure if the kid don’t know what it is. Plus he’s still, you know, grieving over seeing his mother murdered in front of his eyes, while you, Kyle, held him still, so no noise would be made. That’s not a good friend and he’s so going to kick your ass at Call of Duty 4.
Back in the Future (ha!) Julia wakes up in the bed that Alan is/was laying in (what is this, 12 Monkeys?). That nice fella, Caleb is watching over her. She muses about tables being turned and Alan being stuck in that same bed 30 years ago. I hope they changed the sheets. Then Caleb announces he was on the island 30 years ago too! Jesus, does no one leave the goddamn island permanently?! Seriously people, this is not a happy place, if you leave, stay away! Damn place doesn’t even have pizza.
In the future, Caleb asks mysterious questions of Julia.
Julia demands to know who Caleb is and why he stole her father’s sword. He just reads off the writing on it, which is and RNA sequence and recipe. But not for delicious cookies, but a virus, like oh say DXM-7. Why would Hatake create an immortal-killing disease? Who knows! Why would Hatake keep the mummified corpse of his wife and headless son. Genius moves in mysterious ways! Jules is all upset now and demands answers. Caleb says he’ll tell her everything but she needs to answer one question first: “Does she know the way to San Jose?” Because direct answers are so boring!
Back in the present, Eli… no scratch that, I’m calling him Peter, ’cause why feed into his messianic nonsense? Anyway, he’s walking through the underground tunnels, when out pops Soren, who stabs him in the leg. See Kyle, was that so hard? You could have done that and Olivia would be still alive. In the process you might have killed Peter/Eli. WIN WIN. But instead we got a pissed off cult leader chasing after Soren, yelling about “You really shouldn’t have done that.” And he’s right. Soren, you should have found a gun!
Landry and Amy find Anne with the stolen baby in the office with the ornate window. Amy brings up the fact that her mom was willing to whore her out to Michael. Anne agrees she messed up there and tries to apologize but disfigured Amy is even crazier than before. She wants the stolen baby. Poor kid, everyone is always stealing him. So off they go and Amy promises she’ll kill the wee tyke if Anne follows. Let’s just pencil this kid in therapy right now, ok?
Landry and Amy got for a chat with Anne in the office of the ornate window!
Alan wakes up and talks science things about the Mother tree. Even in a sick bed Alan can SCIENCE! He really doesn’t want Julia to give it to Ilaria. Ok. Wtf Alan. I don’t understand you anymore. You’ve become a horrible boss. Jules doesn’t think she has a choice, what with Ilaria wanting to kill off most of the human race, leaving the world for themselves. Since the Mother tree will let Ilaria sterilize the human race and not kill anyone, isn’t that a better idea, though still admittedly insane, idea?
Sarah arrives in the hospital ward, but really doesn’t want to in the middle of things. ‘Cause really. Instead, she pulls Julia aside and agrees to take her up on that job offer and get the hell off the island. Ha, Julia is the devil she was talking about earlier, but she agrees with the plan. But oh look, in the meantime, Alan’s escaped, along with the Mother tree. New Rule everyone! Don’t leave the magic tree root alone with someone who doesn’t want to go along with the master plan, ok? Especially if he was ready to shoot you a few minutes ago. Just write that down or something, mm’kay?
Amy acts mean to Landry. Some people never change! They decide to leave the baby for someone, to draw them closer, so poor stolen baby just gets left on a cot. Naturally he cries. Amy has that effect on people!
Julia and Sarah (carrying around her immortal baby in a jar in a backpack) are busy looking for Alan, while having philosophical discussions about whether they should have just let him die. Yes, these are the things women who have slept with Alan talk about! They hear the baby crying and go to it, with Sarah setting her backpack full of immortal baby down. But it’s a trap! Because the vengeful vessels from below were drawn to the cries of the baby.
The mommbies gather!
The mommbies want the baby, to replace the ones Michael stole from them. Any baby will do, even if its in a glass jar in a backpack. But Sarah asks nicely and mother to mother, a deal is made. The mombbies let them Julia and Sarah go, if they can keep the baby that’s not in the jar. WIN WIN! But seriously, find a therapist for that kid.
Kyle finds Soren, who’s all “Man, I was following my path.” Kyle gets parental, says Soren has to tell him where he is at all times. Soren feels all happy ’cause someone cares about where he is. Awwwwwww.
Back in the church, Alan is moping around remarkably well for someone who was just shot. He’s spreading gasoline around, but Peter enters and tells him to stop. And he’s got a machine gun to as back up. Which he hits Alan with and then continues spreading gas around, while taunting and kicking his brother. Peter’s decided that he has a new family and so he walks out, dropping a lighted match on the floor. Well, so much for Thanksgiving dinners! In the meantime, enjoy this Alan-que!
Alan lies in the middle of neat fire circle. Next time, Peter, make the circle smaller!
Kyle packs up vials of the cure, while explaining to Soren that whoever makes the serum gets to name it. He suggests Sorenal, Soren goes with Olivia, ’cause that’s his recently deceased mother, remember her Kyle?! But what’s that smoke smell? Oh the roof. The roof. The roof is on fire. Meanwhile, the military calls and lets Kyle know they’ll be back. They can see the fire also and want the cure. Time to find Sarah and blow this joint!
Amy goes looking for Sarah in the basement, thinking the mommbies are torturing her. But they have other ideas for her. When she calls for help from Landry, he’s all ‘Fuck you’, just grabs the baby and leaves. Meanwhile the mommbies decide to play dentist with Amy and slowly they begin to smile. As much as you can smile sans teeth.
The mommbies practice their dentistry skill on Amy.
Julia and Sarah spot the burning church. Sarah’s all ‘but I’m a parent with an immortal non growing baby’ and avoids the fire, so Julia heads back in to look for Alan. Peter wheels Anne out and then decides to head back into the fire to find the stolen baby that was stolen from him. Someone is regretting setting a fire now, aren’t they?
He comes across Kyle and Soren, rants about being stabbed and what not. Dude, cult leaders don’t whine. Anyway, Kyle asks Soren “Did you really do that,” Soren shrugs, Kyle tells him “don’t do that again” and proceeds to punch Peter. See man, imagine if you had done that while Peter was killing Olivia. Imagine the possibilities!
Outside, Landry brings the baby back to Anne. Then heads off, while Anne, his mother, asks where he’s going. He says home. Good on you for saving the baby, but handing it to your mom with her crazy ideas, not a good idea. Then heading back in the fire? You weren’t head of the class, were you Landry?
Helicopters arrive, hauling everyone who’s left off the island.
In the future, Caleb again asks does she know the way to San Jose. Turns out it’s there’s a story there. Back when Alan and Julia were dating and traveling, their car broke down. So they needed to get it towed to, wait for it, San Jose. Once there, they stopped by the local City Hall and got married. So yeah, she knows the way to San Jose. But come on now Caleb, who the hell are you? He take out a fake eye, and hey, it’s Soren! Didn’t see that one coming! He’s been wearing a fake eye. What, you never noticed Jules?! And why the hell was Soren wearing a fake eye while alone on the island?
Hey, I’d know that missing eye anywhere!
Everyone’s off the island, Alan’s being rushed into surgery. Kyle hands over the cure, which no one bothers to test, ’cause PLOT. And maybe it cured Kyle. Shrug. Peter and Anne are busy meeting with Ilaria. He’s sold the Mother tree to them. And they’ve forgotten all about Narvik C. In fact, Julia, that never happened. You imagined it. Meanwhile Kyle does turn in all the information he has on “Dr. Farragut”. But it was Peter the authorities were after, not Alan! Peter gets arrested as Anne screams tearfully looking on with the stolen baby who really, really needs a therapist and better parents.
Sarah’s baby doesn’t make it. Or does it? A doctor is shaking his head about someone not making it. Can immortal featuses die?
Alan is saved. Oh goody.
In the future, Jules realizes Alan and Hatake were behind the creation of DXM-7. After Ilaria used the Mother tree to create the fungus that would sterilize humanity, the two science bros created the virus to kill Immortals. But they also built a cure, which is Caleb’s blood. That’s why he’s hiding out on the island with a fake eye and name change! So he draws a vial of blood from himself and hands it to Julia.
She decides not to take it, ’cause…immortality sucks? WTF? She gets whiny, even as Caleb tries to convince her to live. But all Julia wants at the moment is “To see Alan one more time”. Caleb gets this look on his face…
Back in the present, Alan is still in the hospital. He wakes up and pulls off his monitoring equipment and goes to wash his face. When he looks in the mirror, his eyes are silver! He’s immortal!
Looks like Sarah saved him, turning the guy who wants to kill all immortals into one. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck you Alan. Fuck. You.
Yep, Alan is really REALLY saved!
One last trip to the future, the year 2029. As ads for Ilaria produced food play in the background, a woman named Nicole is called into a waiting room. She talks to a bored nurse about her desire for a child. The nurse says it’s “a nine month commitment, very rigorous.” Well yeah, we know it takes nine months to grow a kid, but it’s not rigorous really, what is she talking about it?
Nicole’s brought in to see a doctor. She stares, flabbergasted, at the seemingly thousands of pods suspended, Matrix style, in a giant room, and the robotic arm delivering them to Doctor Jordan. Hi Sarah! Love your Ilaria branded lab coat and the way you’ve recreated Michael’s baby-farm, but with robots! You’ve really learned a lot.
Sooooo, where’s Alan and Hatake in 2029?
I can’t even. So Ilaria wins, humanity is mostly sterilized, with strict controls on birthing?
Stolen baby needs an army of therapists. How did he turn out?
Did Landry really die? Did Soren get to play Call of Duty 4?
Are swords the future hard drives?
Too much crazy in this world. I think I need to depart to the next plane of existence. Hopefully it has snacks.